BUSINESS

PORN LEGEND SASHA GREY SAYS PORN COMPANY EXPLOITING HER

POPE BENEDICT EXORCISED TWO MEN AND SENT THEM OFF TO BOYS CAMP FOR RECUPERATION

PLANNED PARENTHOOD HOPING TO BOLSTER FLAGGING ABORTION BUSINESS AS REVENUES DROP

PEOPLE EAT RECORD AMOUNT OF GARBAGE FROM MCDONALD’S AS COMPANY HITS REVENUE HIGH

GM ANNOUNCES PLAN TO MODIFY CHEVY VOLTS TO PREVENT SPONTANEOUS EXPLOSIONS

RUPERT MURDOCH’S WIFE MAY HAVE BEEN REPLACED WITH A PERFECT IMPOSTER

CRUISE RECREATING TITANIC VOYAGE SOLD OUT TO SUICIDAL FOOLS

MOVIE INDUSTRY ON THE VERGE OF COLLAPSE AFTER BAD CHRISTMAS SEASON

AMERICAN RETAILERS SET SHOPLIFTING RECORD OVER CHRISTMAS SEASON

DOUR POPE TRIES TO RUIN CHRISTMAS FOR MILLIONS OF CHILDREN

STRUGGLING DUTCH BROADCASTER TURNS TO CANNIBALISM TO FEED WORKERS

THE POPE’S FAILING HEALTH A CONCERN FOR PRIESTS DOING EXTRACURRICULAR WORK

CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS CALLED BACK TO HEAVEN AFTER DOING HIS BEST TO TEST HUMAN FAITH

CATHOLICS AROUND THE WORLD REJOICE IN THE LORD’S CHOICE OF ANDROID OPERATING SYSTEM

CANADIAN PLOT TO UNLEASH DEADLY SALMON VIRUS UNCOVERED

SCIENTOLOGY LEADERS AGREE TO RELEASE CRUISE SHIP PRISONER

U.S. STOCKS RALLY, EVERYTHING FINALLY OKAY AGAIN

PEPPER SPRAY SALE A DISASTER FOR LOS ANGELES WALMART

APPLE AND BLACKBERRY COMPETING FOR LUCRATIVE NORTH KOREAN MARKET

WOMEN STILL STRUGGLING TO MAINTAIN UNEQUAL PAY WITH MALE CO-WORKERS

QUEEN TO START LEASING PALACES TO DRUM UP A LITTLE EXTRA CASH

CHEVY CONFIRMS VOLTS WILL TAKE ABOUT THREE WEEKS TO EXPLODE AFTER CRASH

THE U.S. TO ALLOW SHIPMENTS OF BOLIVIAN COCAINE AFTER THREE YEAR BREAK

UNIVERSAL STUDIOS BOSS DOESN’T EVEN LIKE HIS OWN MOVIES

DISNEY MAKING PLAY TO TAKE OVER FLORIDA WITH NEW POLITICAL DONATION RULES

CHURCH CHILD ABUSE INVESTIGATOR INSISTS PICTURES WERE FOR RESEARCH

BILL GATES SAYS THAT BEING A BILLIONAIRE ISN’T ALL IT’S CRACKED UP TO BE

DEATH AVOIDANCE INCREASES AS FUNERAL COSTS SKYROCKET

CELEBRITIES AND SOCCER MOMS EXPECTED TO JUMP ON FLYING HUMVEES IN NEW YEAR

SCIENTOLOGY INVESTIGATED SOUTH PARK CREATORS FOR POSSIBLE INDOCTRINATION

FORMER MEXICAN PRESIDENT ADVOCATES DRUG LEGALIZATION IN U.S.

TEEN DRUG CARTELS GROWING IN POWER ACROSS MEXICO

POPE CALLED A NAZI BY COMMIE SUSAN SARANDON

MEXICAN DRUG CARTELS TAKING AMERICA HIGH SCHOOL BY HIGH SCHOOL

BILL MAHER FALLS IN LINE WITH THE RELIGIOUS RIGHT

UNITED NATIONS LOOKING INTO TORTURE ACCUSATIONS AT GUCCI STORE

WARREN BUFFETT’S EARNINGS PLUMMET TO $62 MILLION LAST YEAR

AL-QAEDA CONSIDERING LEGAL ACTION FOR THE KILLING OF AL-AWLAKI

THE POPE TAKES ON THE MAFIA, PASTA SPAGHETTI LINGUINI, IN SICILY

WITH TROUBLE BREWING, OPRAH NOW GETS WHY EVERYONE DOESN’T START TV NETWORKS

UNDERGARMENT EXPLOSIVES INDUSTRY TAKES BLOW IN YEMEN STRIKE

ANDERSON COOPER’S NEW SHOW PUTTING PEOPLE INTO COMAS

WESTERN TERRORISTS SEEKING NEW VOICE AFTER DEATH OF AL-AWLAKI

PG&E DOING IT’S BEST TO NOT BLOW EVERYONE UP

CHINA BANKING ON NEW GOLD VENDING MACHINES

INVESTIGATORS HUNT POSSIBLE ALIEN ABDUCTIONS FROM CRUISE SHIPS

SIX FLAGS EXPRESSES INTEREST IN NEW EUTHANASIA ROLLER COASTER

DOMINO’S AIMING TO BE THE FIRST FAST FOOD CHAIN ON THE MOON

WALMART MAY RECONSIDER SALE OF BATS AFTER GIRL IS BITTEN

HELLS ANGELS SUE TO ENFORCE COPYRIGHTS ON FASHION LINE

G.E. CLAIMS NUCLEAR PROGRAM IS PEACEFUL IN NATURE

APPLE BUILDING A NEW PENTAGON TO SUPPORT FRESH MILITARY AMBITIONS

PENN JILLETTE DISCOVERS WHAT HAPPENS TO US AFTER DEATH

DONNA D’ERRICO RESPONDS PART 2

DONNA D’ERRICO RESPONDS

GOD STOPS BAYWATCH BABE FROM FINDING NOAH’S ARK

POTENTIAL TRAVELLERS LASH OUT AT NEW MARTIAN BAGGAGE FEES

FIRST ROBOT AT FOXCONN FACILITY COMMITS SUICIDE

COCAINE STILL DOING BOOMING BUSINESS IN HOLLYWOOD

SOMALIA BESET BY FAMINE AFTER MCDONALD’S CLOSES LAST LOCATION

BILL GATES TAKES STAB AT REINVENTING THE TOILET

SONY FACES FRESH HACKING ATTACK AFTER PLANS TO BUILD GIANT RAINBOW REVEALED

9/11 ANNIVERSARY ATTACK IN TROUBLE WITHOUT BIN LADEN

NOKIA TO BE LAID TO REST IN PRIVATE CEREMONY

J.K. ROWLING ANNOUNCES NEW HARRY POTTER WEBSITE WILL BE SPLIT INTO TEN PARTS

AL-QAEDA INSIDERS SAY AL-ZAWAHIRI MAY BE HOSTILE TOWARDS THE U.S.

NEW EVIDENCE INDICATES THAT VIAGRA MAY BE BEHIND LIBYAN MASS RAPE STORIES

COCA-COLA STILL IMPORTING COCAINE INTO THE UNITED STATES

U.S. COMPANIES FIGHTING HAITIAN UNIONS AFTER MINIMUM WAGE INCREASE

DIGITAL ACTORS LOOKING TO GET A BIGGER PIECE OF FINANCIAL PIE IN HOLLYWOOD

POSTHUMOUS BIN LADEN RECORDINGS BECOME BIG HIT

MARK ZUCKERBERG SACRIFICING ANIMALS AT NEW FACEBOOK HEADQUARTERS

FATAL EXPLOSION TO IMPACT IPAD 2 PRODUCTION, SALES

MILLIONS FORCED BACK TO WORK AFTER RAPTURE FAILS TO CLAIM THEM

RONALD MCDONALD BLOWS OFF CALLS TO RETIRE

PHILIP MORRIS CEO SAYS HE CAN QUIT SMOKING ANYTIME HE WANTS

VIVID ENTERTAINMENT MAKES ROYAL OFFER

HOLLYWOOD STUDIOS VYING FOR BIG SCREEN VERSION OF TERRORIST TAPES

CASIO DENIES SUPPORT FOR AL-QAEDA AND TALIBAN

MCDONALD’S FACING PROTESTS OVER UFC HAPPY MEALS

THE POPE COMES OUT IN SUPPORT OF CREATIONISM

COSMOPOLITAN AND KIM KARDASHIAN TEAM UP TO END ARMENIAN GENOCIDE DISPUTE

WALMART TO FIGHT OLD BIDDIES IN SUPREME COURT

NUCLEAR SUSHI A HUGE HIT IN CALIFORNIA

TURKEY BURGER RECALL RAISES CONCERNS OF BEEF INDUSTRY ESPIONAGE

GE TO AID IN JAPANESE RECOVERY EFFORT IN EXCHANGE FOR TAX BREAKS

SWISS CHEESE AIRPLANES HIT BUMP IN ARIZONA

G.E. CRYING FOUL IN THE FACE OF REDUCED TAX PROFITS

NEW RESEARCH INDICATES GOD'S WIFE KEEPING HEAVEN NEAT AND TIDY

RADIATION MONITORING EQUIPMENT SEEN AS KEY TO JAPANESE ECONOMIC REVIVAL

MCDONALD’S SHUTDOWN IN CHINA BRINGS FEARS OF WIDER PROTESTS

MCDONALDS TESTING BUGS AS BEEF REPLACEMENT

STEVE JOBS ANNOUNCES NEW MEDICAL LEAVE APP

BROOKE SHIELDS FINDS NEW PASSION, LUST FOR LIFE IN LA-Z-BOY COMMERCIALS

ALL CARS TO BE FERRARIS AFTER COMPANY DEVELOPS MIND CONTROL TECHNOLOGY

RUSSIAN OLIGARCHS QUICKLY BUYING UP THE INTERNET

IKEA MAKES MOVE TOWARDS ERASING THOMAS EDISON FROM THE HISTORY BOOKS

PAT ROBERTSON SPENDS CHRISTMAS DAY WITH FAMILY AND A SPLIFF

BLOCKBUSTER STILL HAS STORES YET TO CLOSE

AL QAEDA PLANNING HUGE HOLIDAY SURPRISES

TICKLE ME ELMO TO INTEGRATE FACEBOOK, XBOX FOR NEW GENERATION

MCDONALD’S SUED OVER LOUSY HAPPY MEAL TOYS

APPLE STILL REFUSING TO PAY STEVE JOBS

RISE IN LAKE TAHOE TEMPERATURE PROMPTS BATTLE TO INSTALL MASSAGING JETS

LAYOFFS EXPECTED AS AL QAEDA DISCOVERS CHEAPER METHODS FOR BOMB DELIVERIES

CATHOLIC CHURCH TO BRAND OWN LINE OF CONDOMS IN DEVELOPING WORLD

GREEK CHURCH PROACTIVELY WORKING TO KEEP THE ANTICHRIST OUT OF THE COUNTRY

BIGGEST LOSER STRIKE LOSING A LITTLE BIT OF FOCUS

VIRGIN BIRTH HAS BELIEVERS FLOCKING TO LIZARD MESSIAH

IBM PLEDGES $50 MILLION TO PURCHASE 100 CITIES IN PRELUDE TO GLOBAL DOMINATION

CIRCLE K REVOKES FRANCHISE AFTER CLERK DECLARES JIHAD

MSNBC TO REPLACE SUSPENDED KEITH OLBERMANN WITH PHOTOS OF EMPLOYEE’S FAMILIES

UPS CONFIRMS THAT BOMBS WOULD HAVE REACHED THEIR TARGETS ON TIME

U.S. PRISON SYSTEM TO REVOLUTIONIZE USE OF RAPID INCARCERATION UNITS

NEW EVIDENCE SUGGESTS THAT MICHELLE OBAMA CONTROLS THE FASHION INDUSTRY

TACO BELL MAKING PLANS TO WIN THE IMPENDING FAST FOOD WAR

YAHOO WORKING ON SELF-BLENDING BLENDER

FOCUS ON CLEAN CHOCOLATE TECHNOLOGY FORCES HERSHEY TO CLOSE DOORS

TICKETMASTER TO INTRODUCE CAPTCHA CHARGE

HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS DEVELOPING YOUTUBE TV SHOW

JEFF ZUCKER SCREWS UP DINNER FOR WIFE AND KIDS

RECESSION BRINGS GLUT OF PROSTITUTION TO NEVADA

FOX NEWS COURTING JON STEWART IN EFFORT TO NAB YOUTH DEMOGRAPHIC

MCDONALD’S CATERING TO HIGHER END CLIENTELE WITH DOLLAR MENU PRICE INCREASE

LADY GAGA TAKES HEAT FOR NEW PICTURE SPREAD THAT DOESN’T COVER HER FACE

95 BOA CONSTRICTORS MEANS HUGE LUGGAGE FEE FOR MALAYSIAN MAN

TRAPPED CHILEAN MINERS A NUISANCE FOR MINING COMPANY

EXPLODING OIL RIGS STILL ALL THE RAGE IN THE GULF

DISCOVERY CHANNEL CAMERAS ON SCENE FOR DEADLY HOSTAGE TAKING

BLOCKBUSTER BANKRUPTCY SWEET REVENGE FOR APPLE AND NETFLIX

RELIGION OF PAUL RUDD HAVING TROUBLE FINDING ACCEPTANCE

RAPEY LOOKING WIKILEAKS FOUNDER CLEARED OF RAPE CHARGES

THOUSANDS OF CHINESE WORKERS MAKING THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE FOR IPHONES

CANCER STRICKEN ATHEIST HEARTENED BY PRAYERS FOR FULL RECOVERY

TONY ROBBINS HAD A REALITY SHOW AND IT’S BEEN CANCELLED

CRUISE DELAYED AFTER ENDANGERED HUMPBACK ATTACKS SHIP

STUDY FINDS OLIVE OIL STILL TECHNICALLY VIRGIN

VATICAN INTRODUCES NEW RULES TO MAKE CHILD ABUSE HARDER

BP GETS BACK TO DRILLING AFTER CAPPING LEAK

HARRY POTTER FINANCES REVEAL WARNER BROTHERS IN DEEP TROUBLE

STUDY FINDS BACON STORIES TAKING DRAMATIC DROP

SEA TURTLES GETTING IN THE WAY OF CONTROLLED OIL BURNS IN GULF

G-20 PROTESTORS CELEBRATE BEST CONFERENCE EVER

KELLOGG SHIFTS GEAR ON WAX FLAVOURED CEREAL, ISSUES RECALL

WALMART NO LONGER INTERESTED IN SELLING BABIES

TONY HAYWARD’S YACHT RACE UNIMPEDED BY OIL

JEFF ZUCKER REPORTEDLY ON HIS WAY OUT BUT STILL AT THE TOP OF HIS GAME

DISNEY FINALLY BEGINS DRIVING OVER TRESPASSERS

BHOPAL EXECUTIVES THE LATEST VICTIMS OF TRAGEDY

MCDONALD’S DECIDES TO STOP POISONING CHILDREN, WITH SHREK GLASSES

BP EFFORTS TO MAKE GULF AN OIL FRIENDLY ZONE RIGHT ON TARGET

FORD TO INTRODUCE AMERICAN MADE ROCKET CAR

BP GETTING SICK OF OIL SPILL BRIEFINGS

APPLE PASSES MICROSOFT IN MARKET SHARE AND DECLARES RIVAL DEAD

OFFICIALS DEBATE LEGALITY OF NEW COCAINE CHOCOLATES

WALMART NOT ALLOWING MILEY CYRUS TO POISON ANY MORE CUSTOMERS

RIOTS IN THAILAND USING UP TOO MUCH NEWSPRINT

NEW EVIDENCE SUGGESTS THAT ELVIS WROTE PART OF THE BIBLE

SPAIN AND PORTUGAL RACING TO BE THE NEXT FAILED ECONOMY

ATTEMPT TO BREED OIL GOING DISASTROUSLY WRONG IN GULF OF MEXICO

SEX SCANDAL PROMPTS YOUNG CATHOLICS TO SEEK TEACHING JOBS

BEER COMPANY STUDY FINDS WATER MAKES YOU FAT

CNN MULLING PLAN TO AIR TNA WRESTLING

POPE VOWS TO CONTINUE SEX ABUSE DESPITE GROWING SCANDAL

INHALANT INDUSTRY MAKES INROADS WITH 12 YEAR OLDS

VATICAN TO CLOSE CHURCH BROTHELS

NAACP THANKS SLAVERY FOR CONTINUED PROSPERITY

FOX NEWS AND SARAH PALIN TO INTRODUCE LAP CHATS

CATCHER IN THE RYE SEQUEL IN QUESTION FOLLOWING DEATH OF J.D. SALINGER

BURGER KING INTRODUCES ALCOHOL IN EFFORT TO MAKE FOOD EDIBLE

MEME INDUSTRY READY TO UNLEASH SURPRISES FOR 2010

IVANA TRUMP WILL NOT GET ANY MONEY FROM OUTBURST ON PLANE

U.S. POSTAL SERVICE TO TEST EMAIL DELIVERY SERVICE

EMPLOYEES DON’T EVEN NOTICE AS YAHOO SHUTS DOWN FOR A WEEK

PLANS FOR CHERNOBYL HOUSING DEVELOPMENT MAY HAVE TO WAIT A LITTLE LONGER

DEDICATION TO GOD DOESN’T SAVE ORAL ROBERTS FROM THE GRAVE

NEW MAGAZINE ‘PLAYBOY’ PUTS PORNOGRAPHY IN PRINT FORM

CNN CONSIDERS TRANSITIONING TO CABLE ACCESS

WAL-MART NARROWLY AVOIDS MORE BLACK FRIDAY DEATHS

PRESIDENT “FIRMLY IN TUNE” WITH NATIONAL EGGO CRISIS

COSMETIC COMPANIES AT A LOSS AFTER PERUVIAN MURDER GANG ARRESTED

AMERICAN AIRLINES OFFERING LOW LEVEL PASSES OF WTC RECONSTRUCTION

AFLAC TO LIMIT COVERAGE TO PEOPLE WITH NO CHANCE OF DYING

COCA-COLA AND PEPSI IN BATTLE OVER BOTTLED LUNAR WATER

MGM OWNERS MULLING SALE ON EBAY DEADLOCKED ON SHIPPING COSTS

TENANTS OUTRAGED AFTER PROPERTY MANAGEMENT COMPANY FORBIDES DEFECATING IN ELEVATORS

KELLOGG’S ADMITS RICE KRISPIES WILL NOT MAKE A PERSON IMMORTAL

SCIENTOLOGY SUCCESFULLY TRACKING DOWN DEFECTORS

SWISS SUICIDE TOURISM ABOUT TO BE KILLED

MICHAEL JACKSON NOT THE KING OF POSTHUMOUS EARNINGS

NORTHWEST AIRLINES TO INCLUDE RECLINERS, SOOTHING MUSIC IN COCKPITS

THOUSANDS SCAMMED BY SCAMMY OFFER

OVERWEIGHT RALPH LAUREN MODEL FIRED FOR BEING TOO FAT

DISNEY PONDERING LAWSUIT AGAINST COLORADO BALLOON BOY

DETROIT IGNORING CRIMES IN EFFORT TO IMPROVE ECONOMY

PETA TO OPEN SERIES OF SLAUGHTERHOUSES

AK-47 SALES PRIMED FOR A REBOUND AS ECONOMY IMPROVES

IMDB CONSIDERS FEES FOR CELEBRITY PROFILES

GENITAL MUTILATORS PROTEST SCANDANAVIAN EFFORTS TO CRACK DOWN ON TRADE

LAZY, STUPID PEOPLE STILL JOB HUNTING DESPITE ECONOMIC TURNAROUND

OVERWEIGHT CONCERT-GOERS THREATEN TO END CAREERS OF OLDER SINGERS

STUDY FINDS CELL PHONE USE INCREASES AMONGST WHITE TRASH

EMPLOYERS DIRTYING UP JOBS TO APPEAR ON HIT TELEVISION SHOW

U.S. EMBASSY TO RELEASE SERIES OF 'GUARDS GONE WILD' VIDEOS

EBAY FINALLY PAWNS OFF SKYPE

PBS ENDS READING RAINBOW AFTER FINALLY GIVING UP ON TEACHING CHILDREN TO READ

BUSH SHOE THROWER BECOMES TOAST OF FASHION INDUSTRY

WITH ADVERTISERS LEAVING, GLENN BECK TO SEEK STIMULUS FUNDS

ECONOMISTS CAUTIOUSLY OPTIMISTIC AS MEXICO RAMPS UP CRYSTAL METH PRODUCTION

GM LOOKS TO EBAY, FLEA MARKETS IN TO SELL NEW CARS

CASH FOR CLUNKERS PROGRAM NETTING A LOT OF LEMONS

GROUP AIMS TO MAKE STONEHENGE MORE COMPELLING FOR VISITORS

CNN AND BBC FINALLY ON SPEAKING TERMS WITH ZIMBABWE

DATA SHOWS PROSTITUTE LAYOFFS STARTING TO EASE

COSTCO MEMBER THRIVING THROUGH ECONOMIC TURMOIL

FRITO-LAY SUED OVER IRREGULARLY SHAPED POTATO CHIPS

MCDONALD’S CONSIDERS ADDING SOYLENT GREEN TO MENU

RECESSION DOESN’T STOP NEW ISRAELI HOUSING SETTLEMENTS

MIMES SILENTLY SUFFERING THROUGH RECESSION

DOMINO'S SUED OVER POORLY SLICED PIZZA

CNN MAKES PLANS TO BECOME ‘THE MJ’

PUBLISHER PREPS ANNE FRANK SEQUEL

OBESE PASSENGERS A GROWING PROBLEM FOR LIGHTWEIGHT AIRLINES

CALIFORNIA IOU’S NOT WORTH THE PAPER THEY ARE PRINTED ON

HOOTERS SUED OVER LACK OF MALE SERVERS

VINCE SHLOMI SOUGHT IN BILLY MAYS DEATH

HEATWAVE STRIPS T-SHIRT MANUFACTURERS OF REVENUE

MYSPACE LAYS OFF 30 PERCENT OF STAFF, USERS

NEW GM CHAIRMAN GETS A LEG UP ON EMPLOYEES BY KNOWING NOTHING ABOUT CARS

U.K. FILE SHARING CLOSING IN ON THE $20 BILLION MARK

BANKRUPT GM STILL HESITANT TO MAKE CARS PEOPLE WANT TO DRIVE

COCAINE INDUSTRY PLUNGES TO ALL TIME LOWS

GENERATION Z CONCERNED OVER NAME OF NEXT GENERATION

WWE LOOKING TO HARNESS SCIENCE TO CREATE ULTIMATE WARRIOR

NAZI HUNTERS FEAR DEMJANJUK CASE COULD MARK END OF THE LINE

NEWSPAPERS PIONEERING USE OF SELF-DESTRUCTING PAPER

OUT OF SHAPE PRIVACY ADVOCATES PROTESTING BODY IMAGING CAMERAS

NUCLEAR WEAPON INDUSTRY EXPECTED TO EXPLODE IN COMING YEARS

COURTS CRACKING DOWN ON INDEPENDENT BODY SELLERS

ECONOMIC DOWNTURN PUTS U.S. GENERAL ON BREAD LINE

SEC INVESTIGATING KFC OVER GRILLED CHICKEN

TOP DESIGNERS RUSHING LUXURY SURGICAL MASKS TO MARKET

PONTIAC’S DEMISE SENDS U.S. CITIES FLEEING IN FEAR

BRITAIN’S SUPER RICH DOWN IN THE DUMPS ABOUT ECONOMIC CRISIS

SWINE FLU REPORTING REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS

BRONX ZOO LAYOFFS ADD NEW SPECIES TO ECONOMIC WOES

GM WORKERS MAKING BIG PLANS FOR EXTENDED SUMMER VACATION

CHICAGO PILOT PROJECT ALLOWS PARAMEDICS TO WORK FROM HOME

PEDOPHILES WATCHING SLUMDOG STAR SALE INTENTLY

CONTINENTAL AIRLINES TO FINALLY PROHIBIT URINATING ON PASSENGERS

QUITTER WAGONER HAPPY TO LEAVING GM

SHAMWOW PITCHMAN SHAMPOWS PROSTITUTES FACE

BERNIE MADOFF UNABLE TO OFFER HOUSE TOURS, YACHT RIDES

LACK OF STIMULUS LEAVES CONDOM MANUFACTURERS LIMP

DEATH A GROWTH INDUSTRY AS ECONOMY CALLS IT CURTAINS

AIG BONUS PLAN PROMPTS FLOOD OF JOB APPLICANTS

THE ONION CUTTING BACK ON SATIRE, HUMOUR, RELEVANCE

PEDOPHILES DISAPPOINTED AS FBI CRACKS DOWN ON CHILD PROSTITUTES

NEW YORK TIMES NO LONGER FIT TO PRINT

PORN INDUSTRY NOT STIMULATED WITH LATEST PACKAGE AS ECONOMY STAYS LIMP

DONALD TRUMP TO RESIGN FROM BEING RICH

TARP INITIATIVE TO FOCUS ON ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS EMIGRATING FROM THE UNITED STATES

DETROIT SURPRISES WORLD AT AUTO SHOW WITH CARS, VISITORS

WAL-MART TRIES TO COVER UP BLACK FRIDAY DEATH WITH INEXPENSIVE FLOOR MATS

BALLY TOTAL FITNESS FILES FOR BANKRUPTCY AS PEOPLE BEGIN EATING LESS

HALLMARK TO INTRODUCE LINE OF INCEST GREETING CARDS

HERSHEY CONDUCTS STUDY TO SHOW THAT CHOCOLATE IS NOT FATTENING

CLIMATE DOWNTURN FORCES WEATHER CHANNEL TO LAY OFF STAFF

FORD TO BEGIN PRODUCTION ON PINK SLIP MACHINES

SPAM SALES UP; CANNIBALISM AVOIDED FOR NOW

CABLE NETWORKS JOIN FORCES FOR POLITICAL ANALYST CHARITY

KOOL-AID PLANS CELEBRATIONS FOR THIRTIETH ANNIVERSARY OF JONESTOWN MASSACRE

ECONOMIC DOWNTURN FORCES WEAPONS MANUFACTURERS TO PRODUCE LESS EFFECTIVE BULLETS

PLANTERS TO PRODUCE PEANUT FREE PEANUTS

MCDONALDS UK TO INTRODUCE CUCUMBER SANDWICH COMBO TO MENU

VIVID TO PRODUCE FILM BASED ON THE LIFE OF ANNE FRANK

YAHOO ANNOUNCES MASSIVE JOB CUTS, EMPLOYEES LEFT OUT TO YANG

JP MORGAN CHASE TO PURSUE FORELOSURE ON BIN LADEN CAVE

GOOGLE SET TO PURCHASE 4CHAN

WALL STREET BAILOUTS CONTINUE, GIGGLING HEARD FROM STALIN’S TOMB

MORTGAGE LENDERS LOOKING FOR NEW VENDORS

CHINA OFFERS TO BUY HALF OF UNITED STATES IN WAKE OF ECONOMIC TURMOIL

VIVIENNE WESTWOOD, STELLA MCCARTNEY AMONG DESIGNERS SEEKING END TO HOMEMADE CLOTHES

PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGNS BEING BLAMED FOR MORTGAGE CRISIS

FOX NEWS TO COMBAT PERCEPTION OF BIAS, VOWS TRUTH IS PRIORITY

AARP SUED FOR AGE DISCRIMINATION

MILEY CYRUS TO MAKE A SPLASH IN TEEN PLAYBOY

APPLE ADOPTS NEW MASCOT, NINTENDO PARTNERSHIP INEVITABLE?

CNN LOOKING FOR FRESH DECAPITATION STORIES

PETA PETITIONS FOR FERTILIZER PROFITS

HOWARD STERN TO BE PAID IN MONOPOLY MONEY AFTER SIRIUS XM MERGER

AMAZON SET TO RELEASE BABELER

MAN ARRESTED FOR INDECENT EXPOSURE IS ALLEGED FACEBOOK STALKER

GLOW IN THE DARK TECHNOLOGY FALLS ON HARD TIMES

MORTGAGE RATES DIP FOR THE HOMELESS

KFC FILES FOR COPYRIGHT ON WORD "CHICKEN"

KFC OFFICIALS CALL FOR BAN ON CHICKEN FRIED STEAK

KFC SUED BY CHICKEN FRIED STEAK CONSORTIUM

BUILDING LARGER CHAIRS BECOMES GROWTH INDUSTRY

MCDONALDS SUED OVER FAT CONTENT IN AIR

MICROSOFT MULLS NAME CHANGE TO MEGAHARD

PENNYSAVER LAUNCHES ATTACK ON ANTI PENNY ADVOCATES

SMALL BUSINESS OWNERS COMPLAIN; WAL-MART NOT DOING ENOUGH TO RUIN OUR LIVELIHOOD

INVESTING IN THE PAST MAKES NO MONEY

DRUDGE GETS NEW HAT, WEBSITE STILL LOOKS THE SAME

STAPLES DOWNSIZING STAPLE DEPARTMENT

DYSLEXIC WOMAN SUES STARBUCKS OVER WARNING ON COFFEE CUP

WILL IT BLEND? HOST BREATHES SMOKE, BLENDS HAND

EX-GM EMPLOYEES START FUND FOR DISGRACED EX-EXECUTIVE

BEST BUY SALES DIP DUE TO LACK OF “SHINY-NESS”