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NEWS > BUSINESS >U.S. STOCKS RALLY, EVERYTHING FINALLY OKAY AGAIN
U.S. STOCKS RALLY, EVERYTHING FINALLY OKAY AGAIN
November 30 2011
New York, NY – Despite all the doom and gloom in the world, what with unemployment rates in the U.S. still high, the Euro faltering, and war with oil nations pretty much certain, one would think that things couldn’t go anywhere but up, and that is exactly what stocks have done.
Virtually all avenues of the New York stock exchange jumped three percent on trading today, moving the index back into positive territory for the first time in 2011. Both the S&P 500 and Nasdaq surged alongside the all-important Dow Industrial Average, making things finally alright for everyone once again.
“Wow, this is a relief. I mean it’s been so long that we’ve been in the red but now things are fine, okay even. Such a relief. Looks like I’m taking that vacation this year after all and new boat, here I come,” said one trader who had just yesterday been standing at a window ready to jump. “I’m so happy I didn’t kill myself, just shows that you never really know.”
It’s not clear how many traders have killed themselves in the last week or so, nor if they are kicking themselves in the afterlife, whatever that might be.
Today’s surge was sparked by an agreement by a half dozen of the biggest central banks in the world to coordinate action to help boost liquidity.
“This is certainly great news and it has been a long time in coming. Hopefully this is something we can look forward to in the future and beyond, hopefully the stocks stay as healthy as this for the next little while. At the very least it will help us prevent all those suicides,” said Scrape TV Business analyst Ken Green. “It really is a huge relief to have this happen today. It’s also great that people will finally be able to relax and start buying stuff again. I’m sure banks will be overwhelmed, in a good way, with mortgage meetings for the next few days and weeks. Great, great news.”
Sales of new cars, boats, and private airplanes surged on the news.
“This type of thing is exactly what consumers need to feel good about the market and to start spending again. I’m sure once the word starts to get out there, really get out there, retail sales will also start to surge. Things like flat screen TV’s should be flying off shelves in no time,” continued Green. “Now that we can finally put all this economic silliness behind us we will be able to concentrate on the things that really matter, especially stuff that we can buy, not things we can’t buy. I do hope that people still put a little of their cash away just in case, but not too much. There really isn’t a reason anyway, just start spending.”
Many stock traders were whisked away from their offices in limousines, pouring champagne on the street as they went.
William Ashford, Business Correspondent
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