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NEWS > ENTERTAINMENT >CHRISTINA AGUILERA MAY NOW BE LARGE ENOUGH FOR MITOSIS
CHRISTINA AGUILERA MAY NOW BE LARGE ENOUGH FOR MITOSIS
July 3 2011
Los Angeles, CA – For those of us who were around, 1998 seems a lifetime ago. Much has changed in the last 13 years. In 1998 cell phones were unusual, few people had internet access and those who did usually had dial-up. That was before 9/11, 
before iPod’s, and before a black President. 1998 was a long time ago and many things can change in that length of time. People have been born and people have died, yet the world has continued to turn.
For one small group of people that span of time has had its ups and downs. That group, a group of singers who were just starting to break, never had it better than they did back then, but as is the case with everyone, they probably didn’t know it. 1998 brought the Musketeer invasion. Justin Timberlake was smashing sales records as a member of N*Sync. Britney Spears was the biggest pop star on the planet, and a stunning voice started to appear from a small body in the form of Christina Aguilera. Things have certainly changed for all those people in the last few years. They have grown up, started families, and suffered turmoil in their careers. Spears’ exploits are of course well documented, but it is Aguilera, who few would argue had the most talent of the bunch, who has really fallen on hard times. Failed albums and public disinterest have led to a starring role on a talent show, albeit a popular one, and now it appears that the former lithe singer has gained enough mass to split, meaning she will have another mouth to feed.
“Christina is very excited about ‘The Voice’. It has been a great experience both personally and professionally. She never saw herself in the position of being a judge on a talent show, but that is where life has led her,” said a spokesperson for the singer. “She hopes it continues for a long time to come and that she can help to direct the careers of young singers, to give them the opportunity she has had. She is thrilled.”
Aguilera became one of the judges of the hit show earlier this year, following the failure of her latest album ‘Bionic’, a divorce, and a very public arrest.
“Usually careers go for a little longer than these have gone. Yes, there are always going to be the one-hit wonders who are forgotten but that isn’t the case with the Mickey Mouse group. They had hit after hit and now they have fallen on these hard times. It’s unique really,” said Scrape TV Science analyst Dr. Howard Poe. “There’s no apparent reason for the collapse, but the truth is that a thirty-year old singer who has sold millions of records shouldn’t be on a talent show. She should be singing in sold out arenas, and that would have happened in the past. It’s really a shame.”
‘Bionic’ sold mostly to friends and family.
“In watching her on the show it has become clear that she is not the person she once was. She is natively a small person but appears to have grown significantly in size in the last little while. It’s actually a little unsettling to see her at that size and, assuming she isn’t pregnant, it appears that she is approaching at least prometaphase, which is an early stage of mitosis,” continued Poe. “This is the stage at which cells start their division and expand in size. Eventually they replicate themselves and split into an identical copy, which may very well happen to Aguilera. We haven’t seen that happen in a multi-celled organism before but it’s theoretically possible and that could very well be what’s going on with her. I just don’t know how the world is going to be able to support two Christina Aguilera’s.”
According to insiders, Aguilera just really likes chicken wings and pie however cellular mitosis often requires more fuel to complete the process.
Samantha Dryden, Entertainment Correspondent
NEWS > ENTERTAINMENT >CHRISTINA AGUILERA MAY NOW BE LARGE ENOUGH FOR MITOSIS
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