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NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > EARLY INTELLIGENCE SUGGESTS KIM JONG-UN LIKES STARCRAFT, DORITOS, SWEATING
EARLY INTELLIGENCE SUGGESTS KIM JONG-UN LIKES STARCRAFT, DORITOS, SWEATING
December 20 2011
Seoul, South Korea – Perhaps the most shocking thing about the death of Kim Jong-Il is how long it took to get out the wider world. In fact Kim had been dead for nearly two days when the world found out, and that only happened because North Korea made an official statement. That secrecy more than anything proves beyond a doubt that the isolation of the nation has been incredibly successful, and speaks to what other secrets she may be hiding.
One thing that isn’t a secret, however, is Kim’s likely successor, Kim Jong-Un.
The youngest son of the dictator is seen as the likeliest candidate to take over the country and, in the hours and days since his father’s death, has been seen more and more frequently, more or less confirming that suspicion. Now a new Kim, fully in charge of the nuclear-powered and isolated nation, will step into the spotlight and undoubtedly draw a lot of attention, or at least as much as can be gotten through the lax intelligence aimed at the country, as he begins his rule.
Already Jong-Un is a mystery. Rarely seen in public, little is known about the new leader, not even the year in which he was born, but the limited intelligence coming out of the country has gleaned some information about the Great Successor , in particular that he likes Starcraft, Doritos, Mountain Dew, and not being disturbed once he has started sweating.
“We have very little information about Jong-Un. The regime has done a very diligent job in keeping him isolated despite having received a western education. He is a nearly total mystery to us and we expect that is going to remain the case for a long time to come. North Korea will not have changed that much,” said an insider with the South Korean intelligence agency NIS. “It is of great concern to us that we know so little, but this is the relationship we have with the North. Unfortunately information is very difficult to come by and that is not likely to change.”
Kim also apparently enjoys sitting, and laying in bed watching TV. It’s not clear how much time he will have to pursue his hobbies once he takes over control of the nation.
He apparently is a particular fan of Cool Ranch Doritos and has a ready supply of all the different types of Mountain Dew available, Code Red being his favourite there.
“It’s very apparent that he, like his father, has an appetite for western goods. He does not appear to be interested in sports in the same way his father was, but other things certainly have his attention. We are also not clear as to his sexual appetites. We know that his father loved tall blondes, but we suspect that Jong-Un is intimidated around women of any description and thus would likely lean towards mousey women,” continued the insider. “I would not be surprised, frankly, if he never ends up marrying. He will be very consumed with running the country, snacking, and sitting and that will consume a great deal of his time. Besides, even concubines tend to flinch at Dorito fingers and sweat.”
In a further indication of Jong-Un’s ascent to power, the nation has reportedly ordered container ships full of Doritos and sweat rags.
Emil Uliya, International Correspondent
NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > EARLY INTELLIGENCE SUGGESTS KIM JONG-UN LIKES STARCRAFT, DORITOS, SWEATING
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