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NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > AWWW, KIM JONG-UN MAKES HIS FIRST INTERNATIONAL WAR THREAT
AWWW, KIM JONG-UN MAKES HIS FIRST INTERNATIONAL WAR THREAT
January 1 2012
Pyongyang, North Korea – It was inevitable that Kim Jong-Un, the new ruler of North Korea, would eventually step forward and establish himself as being worthy of the position he had inherited. Doing so was never going to be an easy task, considering the legacy his father left him, but he is after all a Kim, and so it was just a matter of time before he figured out a way to make the world pay attention to him.
Unfortunately, he did it in the most routine and boring of ways, threatening South Korea with war, something almost as common as Kimchi on the peninsula.
Nonetheless, the young leader did need to get his feet wet in some way and now with one bout of fiery rhetoric and threat of war under his expansive belt, the new Dear Leader will be able to move forward with new and potentially dynamic ways to cause headaches for the rest of the planet.
“North Korea may smash the stronghold of the puppet forces in the South in retaliation for hideous crimes committed during the mourning period for Kim Jong-il,” Kim said, more or less, on Friday, just days after officially taking charge of the country from his deceased father.
Seoul has not responded to the threats, and isn’t expected to anytime soon, having done it so many times before with his father.
Kim reportedly received oxygen immediately after the speech, something routine for the new leader after speaking more than ten words strung together into a sentence.
“Now is the time when Kim can really establish himself. Doing this, proclaiming himself as vigilant and tough, while at the same time appearing to do so while honouring the memory of his father, was really a good move. It’s almost as if it were thought out in advance, even planned,” said Scrape TV North Korean analyst Lee Joo-Chan. “He needs to show the people of his country and the world at large that he is in charge and by coming out so quickly, he has certainly done that. He has made it clear to everyone that the nation has not missed a step and that even with a new leader in charge, North Korea is just as much a threat as ever, whatever that means.”
Kim has also already started to make changes in the country, ordering in boatloads of Doritos and Mountain Dew, ordering all phone in the country be equipped with oversized buttons, and having all missile controls dedicated to a single, large red button next to his Starcraft rig.
“It’s bold and energetic, perhaps the first time those two words have ever been spoken in reference to him, and that alone is a symbol of how he has changed as a person and, perhaps, how that could change the future of the nation. He has something to prove, a whole heck of a lot actually, more than most people can really fathom, and that is going to make for a new North Korea, good or bad,” continued Lee. “Hopefully he doesn’t go too far. I’m sure he won’t. The last thing he is going to want to do, much like his father, is actually risk conflict and sanctions from the outside world. It’s really hard to get Cheetos and Oreo’s in underneath war vessels and minefields, something I’m sure he just won’t have the energy to do anyways.”
Kim took a nap shortly after the speech.
Emil Uliya, International Correspondent
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