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NO ONE KNOWS IF ASSAD IS ALIVE OR DEAD OR JUST HIDING LIKE A LITTLE GIRL
July 20 2012
Damascus, Syria – There is no doubt that the suicide bombing earlier this week that killed two high-ranking officials in the Syrian government has shaken the Assad government. Up until that event the fighting had mostly taken place in the streets and simply affected soldiers and rebels but an assassination of government officials in the heart of the government headquarters is something else entirely.
Those killings have certainly changed the dynamic of the battle for the nation, driving a massive increase in security and President Bashar al-Assad scrambling for cover. Scrambling so desperately that no one has seen or heard from him in days.
That absence has of course prompted a great deal of speculation about the President with some suggesting that he could have been killed himself, though an appearance on TV dispelled that talk. Now, with word that Assad’s wife and family have fled to Russia, it is believed that the man at the centre of all of this, who has ordered the deaths of thousands of his own people and the destruction his entire cities, is just hiding like a little girl, afraid to come out and face the consequences of his actions or perhaps just gone and run away entirely.
“The president was in Al Shaab Palace in Damascus and there was a warning at 3:30am and they decided to move him,” said a source, likely also a traitor in their midst. “As they moved, the Free Syrian Army was striking the area with mortars and one hit the cars. He only had small injuries.”
It’s not clear if Assad cried in the face of those minor injuries or if his suit was at all damaged and if so whether or not it can be cleaned.
Officials have denied that Asma Assad has fled to Russia but it’s not like they ever tell the truth anyways.
“This has to be a very scary and treacherous time for Assad. I mean there are people defecting all over the place, his own people are turning themselves into human bombs, and his convoys are being attacked. One has to think at this point that maybe, just maybe, this has become a lost cause and it’s maybe time to start thinking about giving the whole thing up,” said Scrape TV Middle East analyst David Gershwin. “That’s just me of course. I would think after everything that has happened and the sky falling down on your head that maybe it’s time to consider that you may be on the losing side of things. But hey, he’s President and I’m not.”
Assad is not, it’s believed, a complete and total moron.
“I mean yeah we saw him on TV but clearly he is starting to run scared. I wouldn’t be surprised if they held that interview from their Moscow embassy. Heck, if they didn’t then he really is stupid. No one expects that the pampered son of a dictator is actually going to stick around while things go really bad. He isn’t a soldier, he’s a prissy pretty boy and it has to suck to get his suits all ruffled like that,” continued Gershwin. “If he’s not a coward than he’s stupid but who knows really. He seems like he would be a wuss but the man does seem to be determined, you have to give him that.”
Russian officials made it clear Assad and his family have a home there, clearly they’ve made that clear.
Emil Uliya, International Correspondent