CANADIANS TO COMPLETELY WIPE AWAY MEMORY OF BILLY BOB THORNTON

April 11 2009

Toronto, Canada – The Canadians are generally a peaceful bunch. Their unerring politeness, their opposition to foreign wars, and their socialized medical care are all examples of the pleasant nature of the average Canadian. That nature was put to the test though after an appearance by American movie star and singer Billy Bob Thornton on a radio talk show in Toronto. In that interview, which has made waves
across the world, Thornton was intermittently coherent and insulting to Canadian music fans. Now Thornton’s band, The Boxmasters, has pulled out of the Canadian leg of their tour with Willie Nelson after being unable to stand repeated gravy attacks.

The band endured repeated cat calls and razzing from the normally docile Canadians, proving that Thornton’s accusations of a lack passion was not so much a result of the nature of Canadians, but more a result of his band’s music, Now with Thornton out of the country, average Canadians have turned their rage to his career and are making moves to completely eliminate every trace of the musician/actor fromn their collective memories.

"The common perception of Canadians is that they are completely docile but that really couldn’t be further from the truth. Sure they invented the UN peace keepers, but they also had the most
feared units in World War I. Units that at the very mention of caused German troops to retreat. Focused, Canadians can be about as bad-ass as they come,” said Scrape TV International analyst Gustav Hander. “As for music, well sure they produced Celine Dion, but they also produced ‘The Guess Who’ and 'Rush', so that have at least a little bit of musical taste. Billy Bob may well have been used to playing at bars with, well, Billy Bob’s, but that didn’t mean the audience wasn’t enjoying his music. No longer now though.”

Across the country reports have been flooding in of attacks on local Blockbuster locations and the systematic removal and destruction of all copies of movies starring Thornton. Among those titles being most gleefully destroyed are ‘Armaggeddon’ and ‘School for Scoundrels’. Local Toronto politicians are also taking the rage and petitioning the provincial and federal; government to enforce an official ban on all things Billy Bob.

“Canadians are taking this like a modern day Vimy Ridge. It’s become almost a reason for living. In some ways it’s a shame because Thornton has been in a handful of good movies like ‘Love Actually’ and ‘Monster’s Ball’ but that may be the sacrifice that has to be made for peace of mind,” continued Hander. “Luckily there probably isn’t a single person in the country named ‘Billy Bob’ so it’s unlikely that there will be any issues with people being wrongfully attacked. Nonetheless, there is a danger of this violence getting out of control no matter how level headed the Canadians are.”

Officially the Government has had no comment on the situation. Police officials are dealing with all cases of vandalism as they would any other crime and do not view it as a situation that will spin out of control.

“What we have seen is isolated incidents of vandalism and break and enter situations. The incidents do not seem to be a part of an organized movement or gang but rather isolated incidents from individuals. We do not of course condone this behaviour and we urge people to think twice before committing these acts as they will be prosecuted thoroughly,” said a spokesperson for the Toronto police department. “We understand people’s rage at this incident and we too sympathize with their feelings but we cannot allow chaos to fill our streets over this situation.”

Asked if the police would enforce a provincial ruling to eliminate all traces of Billy Bob from the country, the spokesperson replied that they would ‘within the boundaries of the law’. Calls placed to the offices of Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty and Prime Minister Stephen Harper went unreturned as of press time.   

Emil Uliya, International Correspondent

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