U.S.A.
Everyone Else
Health
Science
Business
Technology
Sports
Video Games
Entertainment
Future
Humour
NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > RUSSIA PREPARES TO NUKE THE REST OF THE WORLD
RUSSIA PREPARES TO NUKE THE REST OF THE WORLD
October 15 2009
Moscow, Russia – In the nearly twenty years since the collapse of the Soviet Union the country at the heart of that empire, Russia, was gone from complete economic peril to being able to stand on its own two feet and eventually, now, to a major world
power. Recent years has seen the country regain some its swagger, exerting influence in its region and standing up to other major world powers in ways it has not done in decades, firmly cementing the country’s place amongst the world’s elite once again.
There is no better example of that resurgent power in the world than Moscow’s continued nuclear sabre rattling which has encouraged U.S. withdrawals from Poland and allowed proliferation in Iran, despite protests from the rest of the world. Now Moscow has declared its right to pre-emptively use nuclear weapons against any aggressor seeking to infringe on the country’s sovereignty. That declaration has many on edge, fearing that the blend of resurgent swagger and nuclear Laissez-faire will result in massive destruction the world over, damning the human race to extinction and the future of all life on the planet questionable at best.
“In situations critical for national security, a preventive nuclear strike against the aggressor is not ruled out. It will be a transparent military doctrine, to let everyone know which security measures we elaborate in Russia and abroad, which goals we have and how we are going to achieve them,” said Nikolai Patrushev, the head of Russia’s Security Council. “We are not seeking an end to life on planet Earth but we need to do what we must to protect the sovereignty of our nation and our people. We are simply putting people on notice. Russia will not be the aggressor but for those who seek action against our nation be warned. We are willing to use nuclear weapons and if you attack us it will be your fault.”
It’s believed that Russian Prime Minister cum President Vladimir Putin directly authorized the use of nuclear weapons. Putin has had a reputation in the past for indiscriminately punching staffers, claiming that he is punching the air and they simply got in the way. It’s not clear if such incidents would be classed as aggression, causing the country to use nukes on former employees.
“The harsh truth is Russia is an ancient and great nation and in recent years they have been humbled. The collapse of the Soviet Union, though likely unavoidable, dealt a major blow to the national psyche of the Russian people. Putin has from the beginning brought back some of the self respect and dignity and that appears to be what he is doing here,” said Scrape TV International analyst Gustav Hander. “It’s likely his declaration is aimed directly at NATO and the United States who of course would never act so aggressively towards Russia, rendering the threat moot in the real world, but of great value to the voting public.”
Last year Russian forces waged a short battle against Georgian forces over the disputed territory of South Ossetia, something unlikely to happen again with nuclear missiles pointed at the tiny country.
“Of course this could be more ‘as-read’ than it first appears to be. Often we assume that other countries have the same kinds of selfish interest in survival as we do but
that is not always the case. It’s entirely possible that Putin has gone completely insane and plans knock the planet back to the Palaeolithic,” continued Hander. “If that’s the case then we should all start planning for the end. Likely bomb shelters and other such precautions would be meaningless. Some rural and out of the way places like the southern tips of Africa and South America, and possibly Australia and New Zealand would likely not incur a first strike. The radiation would eventually reach those areas and the nuclear winter would kill all the plant life but at least you’d have a little time. For those who can’t move there the best thing to do is to pray and spend time with your friends and family.”
The Russian government has reportedly given many of their staffers extra vacation days, leading one to conclude that they allowing them more personal time in advance of the apocalypse.
Emil Uliya, International Correspondent
NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > RUSSIA PREPARES TO NUKE THE REST OF THE WORLD
|
Scrape Store
