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NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > BELGIAN PRIME MINISTER BECOMES FIRST CREEPY PRESIDENT OF THE E.U.
BELGIAN PRIME MINISTER BECOMES FIRST CREEPY PRESIDENT OF THE E.U.
November 20 2009
Brussels, Belgium – The European Union is perhaps one of the most remarkable developments in the history of the human species. The cooperation between so many disparate nations with so many different identities, languages, and races that have for
centuries engaged in brutal bloodshed on a scale no other place on the world has seen is truly a marvel. It was less than seventy years ago that the bloodiest and most brutal conflict in the history of the species originated and was functionally ended on that continent, taking with it the lives of over sixty million people, a continent that now shares open borders.
The Union between those countries, unique in the annals of our history, is proving to be a path for the future in which nations of all description are able to cooperate with one another, joined under the banner of the human race. Now the Union has finally chosen a face to help lead them into the future, choosing Belgian Prime Minister Herman van Rompuy as the first President of the Union. Little known outside his own country, van Rompuy was a unanimous decision that, it is believed, will help to lead the union into the future while retaining just enough European creepiness to satisfy the old guard.
“Though he has been Prime Minister for less than a year, Mr. Van Rompuy has proven himself to be a strong and intelligent leader who has carefully navigated the perils of Belgian politics and proven himself to be a leader amongst the great nations of Europe so his choice is only natural and will, we believe, prove to be a great benefit to the Union,” said a spokesperson for the EU. “He also brings a great deal of what people in the world and many Europeans themselves expect from a leader. We certainly could have gone with someone a little more dynamic looking, like say someone such as President Obama, but that would not be very European of us. We feel that Mr. van Rompuy represents Europe on a core level and that he will do an excellent job as President.”
An economist by profession, von Rompuy is centre-right politically and is believed to have come by his traditional European creepiness from his mother’s side.
“With people trying to form unions across the world, the EU is proving to be not just talk. Not only have they been able to maintain strength they have grown significantly in recent years. That has propelled them towards the top economically and strategically in ways that will likely change the world,” said Scrape TV European analyst Gillian Weismann. “Luckily they have been very smart about it and not completely ignored the past. They have put aside things like mass butchery and attempts at genocide, which is good, but they have retained the other things that keep them fundamentally European. That ensures that the older people will stay on board and not lash out with some of the less desirable aspects of European culture.”
Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair was also up for the top job but was never considered to be a serious contender for obvious reasons.
“Frankly someone like Blair simply does not represent the majority opinion in Europe. The continent is a very diverse one and whoever leads must represent all member states. With countries ranging from Spain to Sweden to Slovakia the Union has countries with fundamentally different cultures that a left winger like Blair simply wouldn’t represent all that well, no matter how well liked he is,” continued Weismann. “There are other factors of course but ultimately anyone who holds that office must represent the nature of Europe as an entity and von Rompuy does that in so many ways.”
Parents across the continent have already begun warning that children about the new President should he decide to visit someday.
Emil Uliya, International Correspondent
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