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NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > RUSSIAN MILITARY ON HIGH ALERT AFTER STRING OF ICICLE ATTACKS
RUSSIAN MILITARY ON HIGH ALERT AFTER STRING OF ICICLE ATTACKS
March 27 2010
Moscow, Russia – Cold is a part of Russian life. It is embedded in the very DNA of people of that nation. Cold and winter are a part of the national identity of all Russians who embrace it when it first appears, curse it by the end, and can’t wait for it to come 
again. That is the way of many northern nations, but in Russia winter has carved the identity of the nation out of the frozen wasteland.
There’s little doubt that 21-year old Milana Kashtanova felt much the same way until a fateful day in late February. That day, walking along the street listening to music in the beautiful downtown of St. Petersburg, Kashtanova’s love affair with winter ended as ice came crashing down on her head, sending her into a coma, and ultimately into the great beyond. While such an incident would normally be considered a tragic accident, similar events have been occurring all across Russia during one of the harshest winters on record. With at least 5 people killed and 147 injured across the country by falling icicles, the nation has gone on high alert, bringing military might to the frozen water menace overtaking the country.
“We have mobilized small divisions of the military in major cities across the country. 
Moscow, St. Petersburg, Novosibirsk, Yekaterinburg, and Nizhny Novgorod have already begun seeing the arrival of military force that will deal with this growing menace. We will extend that service to other major cities in the coming days in an effort to prevent any further tragedy,” said a spokesperson for the Russian government. “The days of allowing such threats to persist in our nation are at an end. We will protect the life and liberty of our citizens with whatever force is necessary. We have endured a harsh and brutal winter and we will not allow the effects of that season to undermine the lives and well being of the people of Russia. We will deal with this icicle menace once and for all.”
Reports from St. Petersburg indicate that soldiers are already hard at work, rolling tanks through downtown and knocking icicles to the ground.
“Russia is one of those countries that seems destined to forever be facing attackers. Countries like Sweden, or Portugal have had their battles, but they aren’t at persistent threat. Perhaps it is the size of the country, her history, her place in the world, but whatever it is the nation seems tied to conflict at a very fundamental level,” said Scrape TV International Conflict analyst Mario Martinez. “Fortunately because of the history they have a lot of experience dealing with these kinds of threats. They have the infrastructure and will to go aggressively after enemies of the state, whether they are terrorists, foreign nations, or large chunks of frozen water. Russia knows how to deal with threats.”
Military forces have also been reported on the southern border with Georgia, despite unseasonably warm temperatures in the region.
“Frankly, these icicles won’t know what hit them. Freezing ice has always had trouble in countries like Finland and Canada, but it’s never had to compete with an established military power like Russia before. I think this will come a quick and simply conclusion with a whole lot of broken ice on the streets of Russia,” continued Martinez. “Look what they did to the Nazis. When the will of the Russian people is truly behind something, they will stop at nothing to pursue their goal. This could very well be the end of icicles as we know them in Russia.”
Reports of ice purging across Siberia are starting to trickle down.
Emil Uliya, International Correspondent
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