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NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > NO REALLY CARES AS SWITZERLAND IS INVADED BY ELEPHANTS
NO REALLY CARES AS SWITZERLAND IS INVADED BY ELEPHANTS
June 9 2010
Zurich, Switzerland - ‘Don't be so gloomy. After all it's not that awful. Like the fella says, in Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. 
In Switzerland they had brotherly love - they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.’ Those words, spoken more than sixty years ago by Orson Welles in the classic film ‘The Third Man’ have continued to ring true even after the most active half century in human history.
The Swiss though haven’t been totally without value. It was a Swiss engineer, George de Mestral, who invented Velcro which aside from its value in children’s shoes has become one of the most widely used fasteners in the world. They also invented LSD, hiding Nazi gold, and the aptly named Swiss Army Knife. Taking all that into consideration, one can’t help but think that the people of Switzerland have earned their place on the Earth but for a nation more than 800 years old, their contributions have been few and far between. Perhaps then it isn’t a surprise that when wild animals, including elephants, began taking over the streets of major cities in the country very few people were all that concerned or interested.
“We have taken the leader of the surge. It appears that he escaped from the main zoo in the city and began causing chaos on the roads. Thus far this has been the only major activity in Zurich but we are aware of reports from other parts of the country that wild animals have been causing a great deal of trouble. Rest assured the people of Zurich are safe,” said a spokesperson for the Zurich police department. “This beast was not the forbearer of a major problem in this city. The animal was taken in peacefully and will resting at the zoo tonight. We in the Zurich police are totally confident that such rampages will not be a regular occurrence.”
Keeping with the nation’s policy of neutrality zoo animals are not kept in cages but simply asked to behave, politely. However, it is that neutrality that is causing indifference from the rest of the world.
“Ah, yes we have heard of these problems but they do not directly affect the people of France or our borders. Should this problem expand beyond the cities and into our country we will deal with it at that time but for now it is simply not our problem,” said a spokesperson for French President Nicolas Sarkozy. “Obviously we would want to fend off any possible invaders before they reached deep into French territory but for now this is a Swiss problem and as long as it remains a Swiss problem they will have to deal with by themselves. We will remain neutral on the entire issue unless it expands beyond their borders.”
Reports of wild tigers and gazelles have been sprouting up in both Bern and Geneva, both of which are located near the French border. 
“Thus far this does seem to be a Swiss problem but if we find that they are not able to deal with the issue then we will be more than happy to help out. We have troops already standing at the border and ready to move at a moment’s notice. We want the people of Switzerland to understand that we are looking out for their best interests,” said a spokesperson for the German government. “This is what the German people do and we will help our neighbours whenever we are able. The People of Germany have always sought to help the people of the world and bring peace and stability to our neighbours and we will do just that with this Swiss animal invasion.”
Representatives for the Italian government just kind of mumbled under their breath and seemed to lose interest in the conversation. Representatives for the EU, of which Switzerland is not a member, could care less.
Emil Uliya, International Correspondent
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