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NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > GERMAN COURT LEGALIZES EUTHANASIA, AGAIN
LEPRECHAUN INQUIRY VINDICATES CHARGES OF COLLUSION
July 14 2010
Belfast, Ireland - Two decades ago, a cull wiped out almost a fifth and a bit of the Leprechaun population of Ireland. An independent inquiry into the cull released its findings today, and there is no question in the report that both the Irish and British governments secretly sanctioned the massacre.
The Leprechaun killings of 1990 were sparked off when a teenaged Leprechaun was heard wolf whistling at a young woman as she planted a crop of potato seedlings at a farm a few miles from the border town of Clones. The Lepreteen was followed home by the woman’s brothers, who burned out the beautifully decorated hollowed out trunk in which the Little Fella lived. Although he escaped unharmed through a charmed underground network of tunnels, the only possession he salvaged from the blaze was a shoehorn made out of pure gold.
Before the incident, talks had been taking place between the Leprechaun King and local representatives at Stormont. Many local extremists wanted rid of the Leprechauns from the area. Claims that members of the Leprechaun population never gave up their gold when caught were deflected with the response that the people of Ireland had no claim to make on the Leprechaun gold, and that Leprechauns should be free to go about their own bloody business. The talks broke down when word of the arson attack on the teenaged Leprechaun’s home reached the Leprechaun King.
The Irish and British governments were forced to intervene, sitting in marathon negotiating sessions that lasted more than twenty six hours each day for over a week. One of the questions to be addressed was the mischief making of a certain element of Leprechaun society. Complaints were made that the Leprechaun King never actually punished any of the mischief makers, but would simply move the troublemaking Little Fella on to another parish.
The talks made some progress and a compromise was hammered out. However, a tabloid newspaper then reported that Ireland’s Minister for Foreign Affairs – one of the key members of the negotiating team – had a history of shoemaking in his family. It seemed that the Minister’s father was a retired cobbler and counted many Little People among his close friends. Local representatives then pulled out of the talks, citing a pro-Leprechaun bias among the Irish government’s negotiating team.
Just in time for the July parades season, a Leprechaun protest began in the city of Belfast. Although the protest was led by a bunch of charmers, it was undermined by more roguish Leprechauns who released air from the tyres of residents’ cars and tied Union Jacks to Irish tricolours, waving them about in an effort to offend both nationalist and unionist elements of the human population. A police cordon sectioned off an area that the Leprechauns were not allowed to walk through. The Leprechauns turned in the opposite direction, but suddenly found themselves trapped between a field of golden thistles and a contingent of armed IRA sharpshooters.
For the next hour, gunshots rang out across the city, but they were all focused on one area. Rather than look out the window to see what was going on, many Belfast residents simply turned up their television sets. Due to magical degradation of the bodies of the Little People, the toll in terms of Leprechaun life has never been determined but has been calculated at over a fifth of the entire Leprechaun population in Ireland, or 0.08% of the world Leprechaun population.
The racially motivated murder of a midget in Dublin and a series of achondroplasiaphobic attacks in other Irish cities over the ensuing days were related to the Belfast culling. Ultimately, peace was restored and talks resumed. However, the Leprechaun negotiating position had been
weakened considerably.
Today, the independent inquiry has determined that there was collusion between British forces and the IRA in wiping out the Leprechauns. It is now thought that the Leprechaun King will seek compensation from both governments. Leprechauns across Ireland are breathing a sigh of relief.
*The shoehorn made out of pure gold will be on display in the Irish National
Library in Dublin from July 25 to September 28.*
Patterson McMurphy O'Shea, Special Irish Correspondent
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