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NEWS > EVERYONE ELSE > DRUNK RUSSIAN ALIEN SUCCUMBS TO EXPOSURE
DRUNK RUSSIAN ALIEN SUCCUMBS TO EXPOSURE
May 11 2011
Ulan-Ude, Russia – For as long as human beings have been self-aware we have sought a greater power. For most of our existence, that greater power has been in the form of Gods of one type or another, something that all cultures have created 
across the world. Because of the universal nature of seeking a higher power it’s likely that such a desire is built into us on a fundamental level, something that we will believe and bow before with little or even no evidence, even the most cynical amongst us.
In recent years, however, the nature of worship has changed in fairly dramatic ways. The rise of science has explained away many of the things once attributed to celestial beings, providing evidence of the inherent weakness of the beliefs themselves. That in turn has led to a decline in belief in many of those gods across the globe, and a rise in new and slightly more realistic belief systems. In particular much of those new beliefs have revolved around the alien beings, creatures from other planets, visiting our planet and conspiring with out governments. While the only evidence of such happenings are hearsay and stories, the strong need to believe in something, that oft experienced oddity of the human experience, has given such tales a great deal of credence. Now a new piece of empirical evidence from the wilds of Russia, an apparent alien body, has been discovered after a night of heavy drinking and rabble rousing with the locals.
“I found this creature laying in the snow. At first I think it is nothing, perhaps sticks or things, but as I get closer I see it is animal. When I get much closer I see that it is alien and this is why I speak to the media,” said Mikhail, who caught the body on video
“I also notice that he smells of vodka, a great deal of vodka and I think at first that he may be drunk but I find that he is not, that he is dead likely from having too much drink. This is common here.”
The alien is about two feet tall and extremely fragile, making alcohol poisoning very easy.
“I talk to my friends throughout the town and none of them remember this creature. However I know the smell of this vodka, it is good vodka and the only place he could have got it was from the bar so I know he is there,” continued Mikhail. “I have spent many a drunken night at this bar and found myself awake in the woods. This is not uncommon and usually my friends cannot remember how I got there. This is what happened to this creature. People forget when they have too much vodka and this is the situation here. This is common here.”
The body was taken to a local mortuary and later buried in a pauper’s grave. It’s not clear who paid for his drinks.
“Alcohol poisoning is unfortunately very common in many rural areas. Booze is often
made in less than sanitary conditions and with very high alcohol content. People get rowdy and they drink more than they realize and end up very ill. For a small creature like this, one likely unfamiliar with human booze and caught up in the party, well that is a recipe for disaster,” said Scrape TV Medical analyst Dr. Phillip Waites. “I can’t imagine how tough it would be travelling the vast distances of space only to end up drunk and in a ditch in rural Russia. We have this impression of alien creatures as being super sophisticated and intelligent, but I guess just like the rest of us they like to party a little, apparently a little too much. Let this be a warning to all other interstellar visitors.”
The tender at the local bar said he vaguely remembered seeing the alien, though he sees so many people it is hard for him to remember.
Emil Uliya, International Correspondent
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