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NEWS > GAMES > NINTENDO EXECUTIVES CONSIDERING RITUAL SUICIDE AFTER POSTING FIRST LOSS IN THIRTY YEARS
NINTENDO EXECUTIVES CONSIDERING RITUAL SUICIDE AFTER POSTING FIRST LOSS IN THIRTY YEARS
January 29 2012
Kyoto, Japan – Pretty much everyone who follows video games knows the story of how Nintendo redefined the industry back in the 1980’s. They know the tale of how they rescued a flailing industry from near ruin and made it viable almost by themselves and how they continued to innovate and revolutionize throughout their life, even up to the modern day almost thirty years later. It’s a great story and one worth telling, especially now that it appears all that may be coming to an end.
Despite all that success, which skyrocketed over the last few years with the Wii and DS dominating the market, it appears that the long-feared decline of Nintendo has begun as the company plans to report its first yearly loss in at least the last three decades, losing upwards of $839 million in the last fiscal year.
That declines is being attributed to a number of factors including, but not limited to, competition from new platforms such as smartphones and tablets. For a company that depends almost exclusively on selling video games, for one that has fought of competitors over and over again and won, it appears that the death blow has been landed, resulting in company officials considering liquidation and of course Seppuku, or Harakiri, to atone for their tremendous failure.
“Nintendo and our executives very much regret this news that we have delivered to our investors. These are not the actions of brave or honourable men and we must take responsibility for these actions. We have no choice but to accept our failures,” said a Nintendo spokesperson. “We have many plans to return our company to success but we must still atone for our past actions and in that we are at the mercy of the investors who decide our futures. We are yours to do with as you please.”
Nintendo released their newest handheld system, the 3DS, last year which has just recently started to pick up sales after a price cut. The company is currently planning to release a successor machine to the Wii at the end of this year, provided of course that people are still around at the company.
Reportedly, part of the company’s financial woes are a result of a massive purchase of swords and other bladed weapons delivered to offices around the world.
“This is a blow for Nintendo, no doubt about it. Luckily they have had a lot of fat years and that has left them with a lot of cash in pocket. Nintendo has been down and out before but they have always come back and this time that may happen again, unless of course everyone kills themselves. That would seriously impinge on growth,” said Scrape TV Gaming analyst Graeme Hawthorne. “No one, not even investors, want to see that quite yet. There may be a time when disembowelment is needed but that time is not now.”
The company is apparently not even considering merging with other companies such as Sony or Microsoft who have also struggled recently.
“Luckily Seppuku is not as coming in Japan as it once was, and of course these guys make video games. Samurais they are not. Japanese sure, but not Samurais and that is an important component to this story. Hopefully they don’t all kill themselves, that would really hurt any chance at recovery,” continued Hawthorne. “Who knows if the new system will do well or not but we do know it won’t stand a chance if it is covered in blood at launch, either figuratively or literally. That would really hurt sales and probably muck up the system components, though Nintendo product is very durable.”
At least one person in the German offices of Nintendo killed himself after receiving his sword, though there was a birthday card attached which he didn’t read.
Douglas Havermore, Games Correspondent
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