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NEWS > SCIENCE > NASA FINDS EVIDENCE OF COCAINE IN SPACE
NASA FINDS EVIDENCE OF COCAINE IN SPACE
January 14 2010
Cape Canaveral, FL – Science Fiction has longed imagined a wealth of riches beyond imagination awaiting us in space, riches that will enhance the lives of all human beings and possibly provide us with the answers to our very existence. Thus far into our 
ventures into space those riches and answers have been elusive, though the small amount of the universe that we have brought back to Earth are undeniably tantalizing. Images from the distant reaches of space showing supernovas, stars more massive than we can visualize, and all manner of other sights that show promise that even our greatest imagineers could never have envisioned.
Through all those stunning images and proclamations of incredible discoveries, much of the discovery in space has been relatively obscure, exciting scientist both professional and amateur but doing little for the general public. While it has been unlikely that the public will respond to anything but the most dramatic of examples, NASA hasn’t stopped pursuing the esoteric and arcane but is starting to make efforts to appeal to the masses. To that end, the agency has
revealed the existence of a very Earth-borne issue now affecting the rest of the galaxy with the revelation that a small amount of cocaine was found aboard the space shuttle Discovery during a routine inspection.
“NASA, as well as all of our contractors, has a zero-tolerance policy for illegal drug use. This is being taken very seriously. There are no obvious indications of anyone acting oddly or under the influence and so we believe that this may have merely been the result of someone not paying close attention, similar to what happens in Thai airports,” said Allard Beutel, NASA spokesperson. “We want to make it clear that no one working for our agency is involved in the drug trade, either terrestrial or otherwise and we will accept no assertions to the opposite. We are cooperating with authorities to uncover the source of this narcotic and how we will prevent such transmissions and incidents from happening again in the future.”
NASA has not, officially at least, discovered intelligent life outside Earth so the presence of a inter-galactic drug trade comes as a surprise to many.
“NASA has been under a lot of fire for a lot of things in recent years but the biggest
issue for them has been the level of investment and the level of return. Everyone was excited when the moon landings first occurred and every now and then excitement does happen but for the most part exploration of space has become a pedestrian and for many people not worth the effort,” said Scrape TV Science analyst Dr. Howard Poe. “The discoveries prompted by the work in space makes the effort more than worth it but people don’t see that, they billions of dollars and plants growing in space. Now that they have a little more insight into the types of planets being grown though they might be a little more interested in space exploration as a whole.”
None of the planets or moons in our solar system are thought to be capable of supporting plant life but extra solar bodies may be very similar to our own, with a thriving narcotics trend.
“Drugs are becoming more and more acceptable in today’s society and means only good things for people involved in the trade. Obviously NASA wants in on that, seeing that society is moving in that direction, which means that a lot more young people will be interested in their work,” continued Poe. “What I would like to see is the agency partnering with the music and movie industry to exploit this new trend, maybe a kind of ‘Scarface’ in space. That will ensure future dollars and future exploration.”
Getting high puns were removed from this text before publication.
Alexi Orton, Sports Correspondent
NEWS > SCIENCE > NASA FINDS EVIDENCE OF COCAINE IN SPACE
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