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NEWS > SCIENCE > OLDEST DRINKABLE CHAMPAGNE PRE-DATES EARTH’S FORMATION BY FIVE BILLION YEARS
OLDEST DRINKABLE CHAMPAGNE PRE-DATES EARTH’S FORMATION BY FIVE BILLION YEARS
July 24 2010
Stockholm, Sweden - Divers in the Baltic Sea have discovered a shipwreck containing the oldest drinkable champagne yet discovered on Earth. The champagne has been dated by scientists at some nine billion years old, convincingly repudiating
the theory that champagne was invented by mankind in the seventeenth century. The earth itself clocks in at some 4.5 billion years old. So where did this
champagne come from?
One astronomer has been looking to the stars since the mid 1990s claiming that there are numerous celestial bodies that are made up entirely of champagne. Keith Chambers, living just outside Oxford, England, has taken a telescope into his back garden on clear nights to train on the heavens since 1991. His theory that he saw a “champagne supernova” in 1996 – based primarily on the Oasis hit of the same year – was entirely groundless until the discovery of the champagne in a shipwreck last week. The champagne supernova could have been the planet Venus but Keith’s friend Derek Marsden agrees with Keith that it wasn't. Marsden works with Keith as a turkey plucker in a nearby meat processing facility. Keith claims that:
“Some things up there in the sky is made of champagne. See, there’s only so many atoms, and so many ways for them to come together,” says Keith. “So on the order of probabilities, they’re going to come together to form champagne. In space.”
Again, Derek does not disagree, nodding along silently and scratching his forehead before saying: “I think you’re very intelligent, mate.”
The discovery of the cases of champagne in the Baltic is completely unrelated to a similar discovery made last week, in which champagne dated at a paltry two centuries old was found. When the much older champagne was discovered by a team of divers led by a Mlasovic Brkvic, the ancient drink was sent for tests to an unknown location in Eastern Europe where –according to Mr Brkvic – a number of alien embryos are said to be housed.
The fizzy, high class wine pre-dates the Earth’s formation by some five billion years. It is believed that the bubbly drink – usually named after the region in which it is manufactured – may have been captured in the dust that was accumulating when the planet was in its earliest stages of existence. The find corroborates Keith Chambers’s assertion that champagne can in fact form in space, and may have been doing so since mere seconds after the Big Bang. The discovery also raises the question as to whether the bubbly wine can in fact be called champagne, given that it did not come from the Champagne region of France.
Diver Mlasovic Brkvic would have tweeted his discovery yesterday. Instead, going against convention, he posted details of his find on a lesser known Serbo-Croat networking site that sounds a bit like Twitter except that it uses the Cyrillic alphabet, is a bit buggier, and it doesn’t have as many members. Alongside the post were the alien embryo claims about the research facility that carried out the carbon dating on the champagne. Mr Brkvic could not be contacted for further details at the time of going to press because his name is unpronounceable.
Mr Brkvic’s profile on the networking site contains a number of jokes that could be considered alarmingly racist against the descendants of a group of Jewish people who were expelled from a former Macedonian statelet in 1511. The religious faction is unique among Jewish groups in that they are permitted by their religious leaders to recognise the Immaculate Conception of Jesus Christ if their lives are ever threatened. At the same time, however, they can deny his divinity by hiding a left hand behind their backs and crossing their fingers as they make any declaration.
When the leaders of the Jewish sect were contacted and asked to comment on the ancient champagne discovery and the champagne supernova theory of renegade astronomer Mr Chambers, they initially expressed confusion at the questions before declaring that they had no comment to make.
Patterson McMurphy O'Shea, Special Irish Correspondent
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