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NEWS > SPORTS > REPORT: GULAG ALREADY PREPARED FOR NORTH KOREAN SOCCER TEAM
REPORT: GULAG ALREADY PREPARED FOR NORTH KOREAN SOCCER TEAM
June 22 2010
Cape Town, South Africa – The World Cup is the premiere sporting event in the world. It is an opportunity for all nations to put aside politics for ninety minutes and engage in sport. Soccer is able to do that like no other sport because it is so 
universal, played in the wealthiest nations on the planet and in the poorest of the poor. The Beautiful Game is the one thing that can bring human beings together, force them to put aside their prejudices, and simply be human.
Of course because the game is so deeply felt by fans it has become a source of national pride as witnessed by the various flags in the stadiums and attached to cars throughout the games. A win brings great pride to nations and a loss does the opposite. In most countries those losses will eventually be forgotten, or at least muted, but for some they will live on in infamy. Countries such as Brazil, Italy, and England are nations that are defined by the soccer ball and every loss is felt deeply by their people. In those cases the game is very much a political issue and is removed from the spirit of the game. Nowhere is that more true than in the nation most defined by its politics, North Korea, whose team lost 7-0 against Portugal, prompting the nation to make sure their gulags were ready for new visitors.
“Look, this is North Korea. The gulags are always at the ready so this really isn’t a surprise. Frankly losing was pretty much expected for their team but losing 7 nil is something entirely different. My sources have told me that they have a special section of this particular gulag being prepped for the team,” said a North Korean insider. “I guess it makes sense. Obviously, they aren’t going to want the majority of these players back for the next Cup. Sure they may be able to defeat say Canada but that doesn’t mean much when you are playing with the big boys. They are going to have to work a lot harder when they get home than they did on the pitch that’s for sure.”
The same two teams met in the 1966 World Cup which resulted in one of the biggest comebacks in Cup history for the Portuguese team.
“This is exactly Brazil and Italy but it’s still a big deal for both nations. Portugal really
doesn’t have much going besides soccer so they remember the 1966 very well. It’s
burned into their memory and they needed to ensure that they proved their dominance over the North Koreans,” said Scrape TV Sports analyst Mark Marvins. “North Korea on the other hand is obviously looking for revenge on the pitch. For them though it is something much deeper. They are the greatest political pariah in the world and they would very much have liked to use this as a platform on which to further their agenda and possibly integrate into the global political scene. Obviously they don’t have much of a leg to stand on now.”
North Korea has not won a game thus far and appear to be headed towards an early exit in the tournament.
“Perhaps this poor performance is a result of their isolation but you would think that these guys would be in good shape with all the work they must have to do. Yes there’s all those early mornings paying allegiance to the glorious leader but they must have two or three jobs in addition to their training regime which one would think would give them a great deal of strength and endurance,” continued Marvins. “No matter, they will get plenty of work now. I’m sure Kim Jong-Il is very much looking forward to seeing his boys come home.”
It’s believed the team will be holed up in a notorious mountain gulag where they will simply cease to exist.
Alexi Orton, Sports Correspondent
NEWS > SPORTS > REPORT: GULAG ALREADY PREPARED FOR NORTH KOREAN SOCCER TEAM
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