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NEWS > TECHNOLOGY > MARK, I STILL MAKE BLACK TURTLENECKS LOOK GOOD, STEVE: SENT FROM MY iPHONE
MARK, I STILL MAKE BLACK TURTLENECKS LOOK GOOD, STEVE: SENT FROM MY iPHONE
September 28 2010
Cupertino, CA – Rivalry is an event as old as the human condition. It may in fact be the root cause of our ascendance to global dominance as combating forces waged battles and in the process developed skills and tools that allowed the human race to 
move forward. David vs. Goliath, Stalin vs. Trotsky, the Hatfields vs. the McCoys, The Bears vs. The Packers, Wile E. Coyote vs. Road Runner, all these examples from throughout our history show that rivalry is embedded in the nature of the human animal.
Up through the modern day these types of conflicts have continued despite incredible levels of sophistication and, seemingly, enough to go around for everyone. However unlike combatants of the past modern day antagonists battle over profits and market share rather than women and freedom, things that once dominated the battlefield. Most frequently, we see those rivalries in popular companies and their figureheads, the most recent of which appears to be Apple CEO Steve Jobs and Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. While the two would at first blush not seem natural rivals, word that Zuckerberg had rocketed past Jobs on the Forbes 400 has apparently brought about a great deal of animosity between the two, prompting the elder to unleash his formidable fury upon the young upstart.
“Stevesy is really upset by the whole thing though he won’t admit it. You can always
tell when he’s in a bad mood. He doesn’t eat lunch and you always hear these strange thumping sound coming from his office which is, so I’ve heard, him punching himself in the thigh. It’s just something he does,” said an Apple insider. “It’s not about the money, I mean he’s been way behind (Bill) Gates for a long time now and so he’s used to being behind, but he always saw that as an equal rivalry but this kid is so much younger than him and is now making more money. I can certainly see why it’s bothering him but unfortunately he’s going to have to deal with it because it’s going to happen again.”
Jobs ranks 34th on the list while Zuckerberg, unranked last year, sits at 26.
“I mean Apple is worth way more than Facebook and there is the fact that he only takes a dollar in salary but it also needs to be noted that right now Facebook is privately held and when they issue an IPO Zuckerberg will rocket up in the rankings. If he thinks it’s bad now, well it’s only going to get worse,” continued the insider. “The reality is that the margins are much lower and that means a lot more money going into the pockets of the higher ups. We have over 34,000 people on staff and have heavy manufacturing costs. Facebook has 1400 people and only pay for servers and bandwidth. There’s really no way to win that battle and I don’t think that Zuckerberg will fall behind Stevesy anytime soon.”
It is not believed that the insider was terminated after speaking with us.
“Look, there is no way to determine where Facebook will go in the future. They seem to have more diversified plans but that doesn’t mean they will meet with success. They are a very young company with a lot of mindshare at the moment but that can change in an instant, whereas with Apple the public profile is long, well-earned, and very stable meaning that they will be able to weather many more storms than Facebook,” said Scrape TV Technology analyst Ken Kevins. “That and the fact that Jobs wears those black turtlenecks. Black never really goes out of style but Zuckerberg, well sandals and hoodies don’t have the same kind of longevity and that above everything could turn things back to Apple and Jobs.”
Bill Gates, number one on the list and the richest man in the world, was too busy counting his golden socks to care about the newest rivalry.
Martin Philton, Technology Correspondent
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