HEADLINES

OBAMA SLIGHTLY INJURED AFTER BOW TO ROOM SERVICE RESULTS IN FALL Beijing, China – President Obama has made it his mission thus far in his Presidency to engage all comers, both friend and foe. That policy has drawn a great deal of criticism from conservatives and a great deal of concern from liberals, with both sides keenly aware of his sagging approval ratings. That criticism has come a head once again this week after the President was snapped bowing before Emperor Akhito, a pose that brought to mind a similar incident involving King Abdul Aziz earlier this year in Saudi Arabia and for many represented a devaluing of American hegemony. U.S. GOVERNMENT STARTS PREPARING FOR ZOMBIE OUTBREAK Washington, D.C. – Over the last forty years the zombie has become one of, if not the most, pervasive and popular of all movie monsters. From the first appearance of the creatures (in their modern form at least) in the legendary horror film ‘Night of the Living Dead’ the idea of the dead returning to life to feed on the living has haunted many a dreamer and many a multiplex. Branching out into books, comics, and videogames, the zombie has well and truly become an integrated part of western society and will likely continue to stalk our world for many years to come

OBAMA ADMITS HE WAS BLACK BEFORE THE ELECTION New York, NY – The issue of race has long been one of the most damning and redeeming aspects of American culture. Like democracy, race has helped to define the worst and best aspects of the most powerful nation the world has ever seen. With the dominant economy of the country built largely on the foundations of slavery race, both the divisions between them and the collision of them, has been the engine that has driven the country to its legendary success. That of course is no better exemplified than in the election of Barack Obama to the Presidency of the country. BARACK OBAMA GIVES HOPE TO PRE-SCHOOLERS APPLYING FOR NOBEL PEACE PRIZE Oslo, Norway – There has been much speculation as to why Alfred Nobel stipulated a peace prize upon his death. The inventor of dynamite left no explanation as to why he, the creator of what was then the deadliest man-made invention in history, would deem an award promoting peace worthy of his legacy. Many have speculated that Nobel was in fact a man of conscience and the prize was created as a way to atone for the sin that was his most famous invention. Because he left no explanation, we have been left with only speculation and controversy, one of many the prize itself has created in its history.

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