HEADLINES

NEW RESEARCH STILL FINDS NO REASON FOR POPULARITY OF THE BLACK EYED PEAS Washington, D.C. – There are many mysteries that have puzzled humanity through the ages. Tales of lost places such as Atlantis and Eldorado, tales of mysterious places such as the Bermuda Triangle, and tales of missing people such as Amelia Earhart and Jimmy Hoffa have all been confounding, frustrating, and fascinating tales of the unknown. Whether such stories, and our fascination with them, are the product of some desire to touch the unachievable, or simply folklore passed through generations to tell as bedtime stories, the persistence of these tales help to create the fabric of our culture. SCIENTISTS FEAR SPACE JUNK DEFENCE NOT ENOUGH TO STOP ASTEROIDS Washington, D.C. – As far as heavenly bodies go, the Earth is pretty lucky. In the ongoing search for life outside our planet scientists are starting to realize just how lucky we are, situated just the right distance from the sun, and with a big brother protecting us from cosmic collisions. That big brother is Jupiter, whose massive gravitational pull helps to shield us from asteroid and meteor collisions which would otherwise render the planet dead. Occasionally though some bodies slip through, such as the one that helped destroy the dinosaurs, but all in all we’ve had it pretty good.

SCIENTISTS HESITANT TO BELIEVE IN SARAH PALIN AUTOBIOGRAPHY Washington, D.C. – Of the many criticisms levelled against Sarah Palin it can never be said that she has not made the most her opportunities. Since being picked out of obscurity a little over a year ago to run for Vice-President Palin has been parodied on Saturday Night Live, made incredible ink in newspapers and websites, become one of the most prominent American faces, and now has become an author. While her autobiography, ‘Going Rogue’, continues to eat up the sales charts many are levelling criticism against the book and of course against Palin herself. SCIENTISTS MAKE BREAKTHROUGH IN DISCOVERY OF THE DOUCHEBAG GENE Washington, D.C. – It may seem that in recent years the occurrence of the so-called ‘Douchebag’ has increased dramatically. The surge in popular appearances of people such as Jon Gosselin and Michael Lohan, as well as a growing web culture centered on the phenomenon has dramatically increased awareness of the particular caste of modern society. Douchebags though are nothing new and though it may appear as though they have dramatically increased in numbers, new research indicates that it is simply the awareness of such individuals that has increased, not the number.

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