HEADLINES

SCIENTISTS WORRIED THAT TERRORISTS MAY GAIN CONTROL OF VOLCANIC ERUPTIONS IN U.S. Washington, D.C. – For centuries the threat has been right below our feet. Underneath the great cities of America, underneath the network of highways that have allowed the country to become one of the greatest in history, the threat has laid in wait, ready to burst at any second. SUN BEGINS ASSAULT ON EARTH AND HUMANKIND BUT WE WILL NOT BE BOWED Washington, D.C. – The Sun is the source of all life on planet Earth and, eventually, it will cause the end of all that it created. One day, billions of years from now, the Sun will begin its death cycle, expanding to within a few thousand kilometres of our planet, burning everything still remaining on the surface away. The sun will then contract and no longer give off any solar energy, leaving our planet a cold, dead rock in space.   WARM WINTER ACROSS NORTHERN HEMISPHERE MAY LEAD TO ANOTHER NOBEL FOR AL GORE Washington, D.C. – Normally when people in the northern United States and Canada look outside in the middle of January they see a winter wonderland, or a frozen nightmare, whichever way they look at it. Snow covering the ground, car doors frozen shut, and window that seems to knock extremities off with every gust is fairly standard for January, but not this year.

INCOMING ICE AGE TO BE THE WARMEST IN HISTORY THANKS TO GLOBAL WARMING London, U.K. – One day soon people may be skating on the River Thames, a sight that has not been seen in over three hundred years. That possibility, likelihood even, will be made possible by an ice age that appears to be incoming even as we continue to struggle with the effects of global warming, making for one very confused set of environmental circumstances.   BOARD GAMES MAY START TO COME TO LIFE IF WARM WEATHER CONTINUES Washington, D.C. – You aren’t going to find many people complaining about the incredibly warm winter currently under way through most of North America. You certainly aren’t going to hear people complaining about not having the shovel driveways or having to drive through sleet and snow, and there is no way people will be complaining about being able to sit outside in the dead of winter. All in all, it’s been pretty good for most people. RIGHTS ISSUES ABOUND AFTER LAB DEVELOPS SELF-AWARE BULLETS Albuquerque, NM – As much as people would like to deny the reality of it, the truth is that that vast majority of technological, medical, and social advances have happened as a result of warfare. Conflict is the greatest catalyst to change in human history, a truth that has propelled us so far and likely will continue to do so going forward.

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