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HEADLINES
FROM THE PAGES OF THE LARUE LISTENER

SCIENTISTS HESITANT TO BELIEVE IN SARAH PALIN AUTOBIOGRAPHY

OBAMA SLIGHTLY INJURED AFTER BOW TO ROOM SERVICE RESULTS IN FALL

AFLAC TO LIMIT COVERAGE TO PEOPLE WITH NO CHANCE OF DYING

BELGIAN PRIME MINISTER BECOMES FIRST CREEPY PRESIDENT OF THE E.U.

MILEY CYRUS GIVES HER OPINION AGAIN

ROBERT PATTINSON EVEN MORE BORED IN NEW MOON

TOP STORIES

Politics

U.S.A.

Everyone Else

SARAH PALIN MEMOIR TOPS BEST SELLER LISTS DESPITE LACK OF PICTURES

D.C. SNIPER EXECUTION THE BEST IN DECADES

HUNGRY RUSSIANS STILL TRYING TO NORMALIZE CANNIBALISM

Health	Science	Business
USDA CONFIRMS H1N1 HAS MOVED BACK INTO PIGS	NEW RESEARCH STILL FINDS NO REASON FOR POPULARITY OF THE BLACK EYED PEAS	COCA-COLA AND PEPSI IN BATTLE OVER BOTTLED LUNAR WATER

Technology	Sports	Video Games
GOOGLE TO RELEASE THEIR OWN VERSION OF SKYNET	CANADA KEEPS HOCKEY PLAYERS SAFE FROM H1N1	CHICAGO POLICE TO USE WII BALANCE BOARD IN VEHICLES

Entertainment

RECONSTRUCTED VERSION OF COURTNEY LOVE MAKES FIRST PUBLIC APPEARANCE

REVAMPED GUANTANAMO BAY STILL SEEKING OCCUPANTS

EX-PANTHER SAYS RACISM PUT HIM ON DEATH ROW

2012 RELEASE RAISES CONCERNS THAT ROLAND EMMERICH MAY HAVE BEEN RIGHT ALL ALONG

MGM OWNERS MULLING SALE ON EBAY DEADLOCKED ON SHIPPING COSTS

IRAQI MILITARY CONTRACTOR IN HOT WATER AFTER DESTROYING RECYCLABLES

TENANTS OUTRAGED AFTER PROPERTY MANAGEMENT COMPANY FORBIDES DEFECATING IN ELEVATORS

SCIENTISTS FEAR SPACE JUNK DEFENCE NOT ENOUGH TO STOP ASTEROIDS

POLAND EVACUATED ON FEAR OF RENEWAL OF WORLD WAR II HOSTILITIES

SCIENTISTS MAKE BREAKTHROUGH IN DISCOVERY OF THE DOUCHEBAG GENE

KELLOGG’S ADMITS RICE KRISPIES WILL NOT MAKE A PERSON IMMORTAL

E.R. LIVES ON IN THE MIND OF CHICAGO MAN

ANCIENT PERSIAN ARMY FINALLY SHOWS UP FOR WORK

DAN AYKROYD CAST IN A MOVIE

FORT HOOD SHOOTER REPORTEDLY STRUGGLED WITH HIS AIM

WOMEN’S RIGHTS GROUPS CELEBRATE WIN AT BREEDER’S CUP

MILLIONS CELEBRATE LOUSY CONSTRUCTION OF BERLIN WALL

NOTHING REALLY LOST AS SWINE FLU SHUTS UKRANIAN SCHOOLS

NIGERIAN SPACE AGENCY GETS NEW ROCKS TO THROW AT THE MOON

RICK SCHRODER STILL ITCHING FOR A SILVER SPOONS REUNION

TIM DONAGHY MAKES HIS WAY TO VEGAS AFTER RELEASE FROM PRISON