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HEADLINES
FROM THE PAGES OF THE LARUE LISTENER

SONY ANNOUNCES NEW POINTY STICK THINGY FOR PS3	POLL FINDS EIGHTY PERCENT OF SERIAL KILLERS VOTE REPUBLICAN
SOUTH CAROLINA POLICE ON ALERT FOR ZOMBIE JAMES BROWN	COREY HAIM UNLIKELY TO MOUNT COMEBACK AFTER DEATH

TOP STORIES

Politics	U.S.A.	Everyone Else
MIKE HUCKABEE COMES OUT IN DEFENCE OF CANNIBALISM	COURT OF APPEALS GIVES THE UNDEAD THE RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH	ISRAELI POLICE MAKING EFFORT TO ARREST CHILDREN PROPERLY

Health	Science	Business
JENNY MCCARTHY’S SON SUDDENLY FREE OF AUTISM, MOTHER STILL RETARDED	RARE TASMANIAN DEVIL COLONY BELIEVED TO BE IMMORTAL	NEW YORK CABBIE OVERCHARGES PASSENGER BY MILLIONS

Technology	Sports	Video Games
APPLE IPAD TO CURE CANCER, END WORLD HUNGER	MILLIONS OF CONDOMS LIKELY WON’T BE USED AT WORLD CUP	SAM RAIMI READY TO START SERIES OF DELAYS ON WARCRAFT MOVIE

Entertainment	Future	Retractions
DMX FINALLY BREAKS OUT OF ARREST SLUMP	REVAMPED GUANTANAMO BAY STILL SEEKING OCCUPANTS	EX-PANTHER SAYS RACISM PUT HIM ON DEATH ROW

VATICAN TO CLOSE CHURCH BROTHELS

ETHNIC VIOLENCE IN NIGERIA LEAVES HUNDREDS OF NIGERIANS DEAD

FACING RAPE ACCUSATIONS, BEN ROETHLISBERGER LEAVES TOWN FOR GREENER PASTURES

APPLE TO STOP EMPLOYING TODDLERS AT PRODUCTION FACILITIES

NASA TO LAUNCH BOUNCY CASTLES, SLIP ‘N SLIDE INTO NEAR ORBIT

GABOUREY SIDIBE READY TO EXPLODE AFTER OSCAR CELEBRATIONS

HEIDI MONTAG AND SPENCER PRATT CONSIDERING FUSION SURGERY

IRAQI ELECTIONS START OFF WITH A BANG

MEDVEDEV BEGINS PURGE AFTER PITIFUL OLYMPICS

GRIZZLY BEARS INVADING CANADA’S CAPITAL

ZOMBIE WOOLY MAMMOTHS STALKING NORTHERN SIBERIA

700 DEAD, 2 MILLION COMPLAINING AFTER CHILEAN QUAKE

CHINA, RUSSIA OPPOSING PLANS FOR ASTEROID DEFENCE AGENCY

MEIN KAMPF TO BE REPUBLISHED IN GERMANY; MOVIE IN THE WORKS

GLENN BECK AND VAN JONES SEEN LEAVING SAME NY HOTEL

KILLER WHALE REBELLION BEGINS AT SEAWORLD

MLB OFFICIALS ADMIT BASEBALL LARGELY AN EXCUSE FOR GROUP SHOWERS

BURT REYNOLDS HEART SCARE CONCERNS, WELL, BURT REYNOLDS

MISCHA BARTON TEMPORARILY FORGETS HER OWN NAME

DUBAI AQUARIUM CRACK SEALED UNTIL BETTER OPPORTUNITY ARRIVES

RONALD D. MOORE CONSIDERING LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE REBOOT

SENATE DEADLOCKED OVER SNOWBALL FIGHT PROPOSAL

ENGLAND TO WIPE OUT MOST EMBARRASSING HISTORICAL EVENTS

TASTY WAVES EXPECTED IN HAWAII AFTER MASSIVE QUAKE IN CHILE