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NEWS > U.S.A. > COURT OF APPEALS GIVES THE UNDEAD THE RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH
COURT OF APPEALS GIVES THE UNDEAD THE RIGHT TO FREE SPEECH
March 4 2010
Washington, D.C. – One the most enduring and frustrating mysteries of the human condition is what exactly makes us, us. Religion, philosophy, and science have all sought to uncover exactly what it is that makes human beings conscious, aware of 
our surroundings, aware of our mortality, and all have come up empty. That question, the ‘why are we here?’ question has compelled us for as long, ironically, as we’ve been able to contemplate the idea. While answers may never be forthcoming, our ability to consider our own existence has also brought many other ideas to our massive brains.
One of the most compelling of those questions has always been about what happens to us after we die. Religion of course has the answers, as does science, or at least they think they do. Because of the nature of death any theories have a great deal of difficulty being verified, a situation that may persist for as long as we roam the Earth.
Fortunately one possible outcome has been, despite the best efforts of Hollywood, been proven incorrect. The idea of the dead rising from the grave has been around for millennia, even Christian mythology uses the notion of resurrection, but thus far no such incidents
have ever occurred. Should it happen however, Hollywood has prepared us. It appears too that lawmakers are also preparing for the possibility after an appeals court ruled that zombies have the right to free speech and the right to assemble, just like any non-living dead person.
“An objectively reasonable person would not think probable cause exists under the Minnesota disorderly conduct statue to arrest a group of peaceful people for engaging in an artistic protest by playing music, broadcasting statements (and) dressing as zombies,” ruled the appeals court. “The rights of individuals must be retained no matter their political, social, or corporeal viewpoint. In order for the rights of the masses to be retained, the rights of the individual must also be maintained. Those are the principals on which this country is based and which it must enforce.”
While the original suit was brought by a group of people dressed as zombies, the ruling appears to grant the rights to real zombies should they suddenly start rising from the grave to consume the flesh of the living.
“The United States is a country founded on the principals of the freedom of the 
individual and despite some serious challenges to that philosophy, especially over the last few years, the country has maintained that and stood as an example to the rest of the world. They certainly didn’t invent the idea of personal liberty, but they have carried the flag higher and longer than anyone else since the country was founded,” said Scrape TV American analyst Dave Davidson. “By extending these rights to the undead they are further adding to the notion that America is a land of freedom, that their core principals have not been compromised despite harsh times over the last decade. This is good news for everyone, not just the living dead.”
It’s believed that zombies, should they ever appear, will still be treated harshly should they start feeding on human beings. They will however be allowed to congregate in large groups and moan with the pain of the undead without reproach.
“It will be interesting to see how far this really extends. Will zombies be eligible for other rights such as keeping arms or the right to due process? Will this apply to other states? Will legislation that say protects gay marriage in certain states apply to zombies as well? These are all questions that really do need to be answered, and answered before people start rising from the grave,” continued Davidson. “Of course giving such rights to zombies could endanger us. The zombie population is notoriously aggressive and outnumbers living Americans pretty significantly. It will be a real test of the American legal system once these zombies start coming in big numbers to feed on human beings. I can’t imagine that if zombies attacked, say, the Obama children that the President wouldn’t just throw out the rules and split his head open.”
Vermont has already approved zombie abortions legal.
Mike Michaels, American Correspondent
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