U.S.A.
Everyone Else
Health
Science
Business
Technology
Sports
Video Games
Entertainment
Future
Humour
NEWS > U.S.A. > BEACHED WHALES FINALLY FIND A PLACE TO DIE IN PEACE
BEACHED WHALES FINALLY FIND A PLACE TO DIE IN PEACE
August 21 2010
Venice, LA - Eleven whales that beached themselves off the coast of Louisiana in June 2010 were prevented from committing suicide by the local human population. Unable to live with the intense skin irritation caused by the oil leak from the recent rig
disaster in the Gulf of Mexico, the group of eleven mammals arrived on the beach in order to die mercifully in the sun.
However, not realizing their intent, local townspeople spent thousands of dollars and hundreds of man hours hauling the ocean creatures back into the water several times, using cranes, amphibious vehicles, and pulleys. When the school of mammals beached itself for the seventh time, local mayor Scoober Casey called the Federal Whalesong Translation Service for advice.
As the mayor held his cellphone up to the whale leader, interpreter Buck Cody was able to listen to the pulse sounds and tongue clicking that emanated from the affronted mammal on his office phone at Whalesong Conversion Headquarters in Phoenix, Arizona. The creature whistled his extreme displeasure at having to re-beach his school several times in order to die. Buck was appalled to hear the sheer agony in the whale’s complaint.
“I was appalled at the sheer agony that I could hear in the whale’s complaint,” he said. Cody instructed the mayor through the whale leader that the whales could no longer tolerate the oil slick which they had been forced to endure due to the cruel greed of man as he mines the depths for his own selfish motives. They had beached themselves in order to die an honorable death on the humble shore. Yet, the whale 
went on, man could not permit even this small dignity to the fellow creatures with whom he shares the planet.
Realizing the horror of their mistake, the town's population funded an immediate medical evacuation of the creatures to an assisted suicide clinic, in Geneva, Switzerland. Mayor Scoober Casey raised severalthousand dollars with a silent auction for a dinner date with his daughter, herself something of a local celebrity and the town’s resident socialite and blogger. The dinner date with the mayor’s daughter will take place upon her release from jail, where she is currently serving a four month term for a number of parole infractions relating to driving and drugs offenses. She claims to be “Like, really looking forward to getting back on the wagon with the whale date thing. It is gonna be, like, so sick.”
With the auction already having taken place and the whales’ journey to Europe fully funded by donations, all eleven noble ocean creatures found themselves bathing in comfort on Lake Geneva last month, waited on by “wet nurses” who saw to their every request for krill. Through a slow but painless process, their blow holes were mercifully anaesthetized before being bunged up with a form of marine grouting with which the mammals were both comfortable and familiar.
Meanwhile, running on a Republican ticket next fall, Mayor Casey has since claimed that his policy of euthanasia does not – and would not in the foreseeable future – extend to human beings.
Patterson McMurphy O'Shea, Special Irish Correspondent
NEWS > U.S.A. > BEACHED WHALES FINALLY FIND A PLACE TO DIE IN PEACE
LINK IT! http://scrapetv.com/News/News%20Pages/usa/pages-5/Beached-whales-finally-find-a-place-to-die-in-peace-Scrape-TV-The-World-on-your-side.html |
TWEET IT! http://bit.ly/ay1ojB |
BOOKMARK IT!  
|
|---|
Scrape Store
