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NEWS > U.S.A. > SAN DIEGO BORDER PATROL AGENT FINDS WMD’S, OSAMA BIN LADEN, ELVIS, JIMMY HOFFA
SAN DIEGO BORDER PATROL AGENT FINDS WMD’S, OSAMA BIN LADEN, ELVIS, JIMMY HOFFA
February 14 2011
San Diego, CA – There are many fears in the era of terrorism that are undoubtedly valid. Like in times of conflict in the past, there is a very real menace out there in the world which is diametrically opposed to the life many people in the United States, and
the West in general, live on a day-to-day basis. That menace has shown itself willing to kill and be killed for those ideals, to bend the world to its will, and destroy everyone who opposes them.
Whatever the true motivation behind those attacks, whether it be destruction of others or the consolidation of personal power, terrorists have become a genuine yet limited threat to people in the United States. Fear of people who would willingly murder thousands of people is of course perfectly rational, and that fear has become as much of growth industry as the terror from which it was born. In true, and ironic, capitalist fashion the growth of anti-terrorism has been unstoppable in the last ten years, spreading from the battlegrounds of Manhattan, to the steel mills of the Midwest, and to the ports of San Diego where one port officer claims to have discovered weapons of mass destruction, genuine terrorists, and the answers to many of the mysteries that have been plaguing America for decades.
“Our overall arching mission is to protect the American homeland against terrorists and from weapons of mass effect from entering the country. We are the guardians of America’s borders.At the airport, seaport, at our port of entry we have not this past fiscal year, but our partner agencies have found those things,” said assistant port director Al Hallor. “There are a lot of funny things that come through these ports, good things, funny things, and really bad things. We haven’t found any weapons of mass effect at this port, but other people have. I have seen some strange things though.”
Amongst the other strange things Hallor has witnessed is a shipment of male mannequins dressed in women’s clothing, shipments of live monkeys, and a native of the Philippines who claimed to have disposed of Jimmy Hoffa’s body.
“The port is a strange place and great place. We are at the forefront of American security and liberty. It’s through here that all things flow. We help keep the country safe and we allow the goods that keep us such a free society. We are America’s guardians and gatekeepers,” continued Hallor. “It’s almost a holy thing to be honest, not to be blasphemous. We do what is right for the people of America and we don’t ask for anything in return. When we see funny things we stop them, and if any weapon of mass effect comes through here we will make sure to stop it, that is what we do.”
Hallor recently turned in a man who had applied for a job who looked vaguely like Osama bin Laden.
“This is certainly an interesting development, suggesting that nuclear material has been smuggled into the United States by, presumably, terrorist agents and only he knows about it. I mean one would assume that with 150 or so major ports in the country someone else would have come across this information but no one has said anything, which leads one to assume that it was he who found the device,” said Scrape TV American analyst Dave Davidson. “He truly is a patriot, a man amongst men and he obviously isn’t seeking glory. That makes him even more noble, doing this without any thought of reward, just doing his job. This is why the terrorists will never win, because men like this live in the United States.”
Hallor also recently discovered, and stopped, a dirty message on his daughter’s Facebook wall.
Mike Michaels, American Correspondent
NEWS > U.S.A. > SAN DIEGO BORDER PATROL AGENT FINDS WMD’S, OSAMA BIN LADEN, ELVIS, JIMMY HOFFA
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