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NEWS > U.S.A. > TURKEYS CITED AS NEW, OMINOUS TERROR THREAT
TURKEYS CITED AS NEW, OMINOUS TERROR THREAT
November 23 2011
Washington, D.C. – They are ugly, fat, delicious, and now officially deadly. The Department of Homeland security has issued a warning for all Americans, just two days before Thanksgiving, declaring Turkeys a menace to the nation and the health and safety of individuals.
Specifically, the DHS issued a warning about turkey fryers, not the animals themselves, but given the growing ubiquity of those devices, the warning has come in direct contact with the fowl.
“We have issued this warning to present to the American people a clear picture of the danger that may be sitting in their own backyard, or their freezer, or thawing in the refrigerator. These are not idle warnings. We have been faced with dozens of incidents in which people have been seriously harmed and maimed as a result of improper turkey cooking and that makes this a major concern,” said a spokesperson for the DHS. “We advise people that if they are in fact going to have turkey at any time that the utmost care be taken in the preparation and that they report any suspicious activity to law enforcement immediately.”
It’s not clear how many people use the controversial turkey fryers. The majority of people are believed to still use ovens for cooking frozen or partially frozen turkeys.
It’s not yet clear if any further warnings will be issued in respect to live turkeys, though they have fallen afoul of the law in the past.
“Turkeys, and few people realize this, are amongst the most aggressive of domesticated avian species. They are large, naturally carnivorous, and have even on occasion been known to engage in cannibalism all of which is far from the serene and placid picture we tend to have of them on our family dinner table,” said Scrape TV Zoology analyst Cambridge Walker. “For years the government has ignored these warnings but now they are finally starting to respond. Baby steps for sure, but it is still an effective response to the issue.”
It’s not yet clear how the turkeys, once killed and frozen, have any responsibility for their actions but the mere presence of the animals may pose enough temptation.
“The simple fact of the manner is that because we eat these particular birds we take them for granted. We don’t really consider them one way or the other unless they are on our dinner plates but this warning shows that turkeys can in fact be a deadly menace and cause a lot of problems for people, and for the nation,” continued Walker. “Hopefully people will heed this warning and consider it when not only cooking but also buying turkeys. I wouldn’t be surprised if we see more and more people turning away from turkeys entirely and perhaps going with ham, which is certainly not a tool for terrorism against Americans and America.”
Thus far, turkey sellers have not reported any dip in sales though many do expect next years sales to be affected by the warning.
Mike Michaels, American Correspondent
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